Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

I like myself!!  Say it out loud, I like myself!!  Now, say it like you really mean it, I like myself!!  Stand up and look in a mirror, I like myself!!  Walk around the room, and say it three more times with feeling, I like myself!!  I like myself!!  I like myself!! 

How do you feel when you say that?  Do you really like yourself? A lot of people don’t. Many individuals don’t like themselves because their inner critic, their saboteur, reminds them of their failures, or they have limiting beliefs, such as, I am not worthy of liking myself, I can’t say or do… (fill in the blank), or I don’t want to be selfish.

How you feel about yourself determines how happy and healthy you are. How you feel about yourself affects your relationships, professional and personal. I have helped hundreds of individuals to like themselves again by simply coaching them on asking for what they want, and saying NO to things they don’t want or don’t want to do.

How good are you at asking for what you want?  Start getting better today by asking for one thing you normally would not have asked for.  Maybe you want a day off, maybe you want a friend to give you a ride, or maybe you want someone to listen to you.  Ask!

How good are you at saying no to things you don’t want?  Start getting better today by saying “NO” to one thing you normally would automatically say yes to.  Maybe a friend wants to go out and you want to stay home and read; maybe a neighbor wants you to do him/her a favor and you really don’t have time; or maybe a family member wants to give you advice on how to live your life. Say NO!

Email me about the one thing you asked for or said no to today and I will send you a link to my Future Self guided meditation.  This meditation allows you to visit yourself 20 years from today, and to get to know the person you are becoming.  The you who can easily ask for what you want, and say NO to things you don’t want.  The you who is living a fulfilled life, and who will act as your guide on your journey.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”  Gandhi

Today is Martin Luther King Day and tomorrow Barack Obama becomes our president.  Martin Luther King gave one the most important and greatest speeches ever.  He had a dream about change.  Two years ago, I used his speech as an exercise in one of my leadership classes.  I played a recording of the speech and then asked the students to write a paragraph starting with the words, “I have a dream….”  It was a wonderful moment as the students gave themselves permission to have a dream, and to put it on paper.  Why not take 5 minutes and do the exercise right now?  What would you write?

President Kennedy was elected when I was a senior in High School.  The world was changing and he gave us hope.  Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”  48 years later, Barack Obama promises change and gives us hope.  This is a pivotal point in our history, and change is coming.  It always does. 

When you read Gandhi’s quote at the top of this page, what did you feel?  What do you think he meant?  What change do you want to see in the world?  What thoughts, values, and behaviors do you want to see in yourself and in others? 

How do you affect lasting change in yourself?  Well, you need to focus on what you want, or another way of saying that is you need to take AIM AT what you want.  And here is what I mean by A.I.M. A.T:

A is for affirmations.  Repeating a phrase over and over again changes your subconscious beliefs.  Changing beliefs changes your behavior.  This is simply positive self talk, and these are two affirmations I use: “I like myself” and “I use my time well.” 

I is for imaging or visualizations.  The subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is vividly imaged.  Remember a time when you were walking down a dark road and you heard a rustling sound and thought it was a bear.  Your whole body responded with an increase in your heart beat, sweating, and your fight or flight response kicks in.  Then you discover that it was only a squirrel. Athletes use visualizations as mental rehearsals.

M is for modeling.  Find someone you admire or someone who has the qualities or does the things you want to do, and act like them.  What are their values? What are their challenges and how did they overcome them?  One way to use this technique is when you have a decision you want to make.  If Gandhi is your role model, you can ask yourself, “What would Gandhi do?”

A is for “act as if…”  You know what you want to do and how to do it.  Now, “act as if” you have already accomplished these things, and made the changes in your life.  “Act as if” you are successful; “act as if” you can speak in front of groups; “act as if” you are the change you want to see in the world.  Now some people will say, I can’t “act as if” because that is not being authentic.  Well, my response is that you are probably acting as if you can’t do something, and that is not true either; so why not act as if you can.  What is the worse that can happen?

T is for teaching.  You become what you teach.  A powerful way to learn anything is to immediately teach someone how to do what you just learned.  Who can you teach the above techniques to today?

Now go back to what you wrote in the “I have a dream….” exercise, and A.I.M A.T. your dream.

This past October Elizabeth was doing a “Wishing Circle” and book signing at the Bodhi Tree bookstore in North Hollywood, California.  I love bookstores and libraries.  I am always looking for new techniques and questions for my coaching practice, and as I was wandering through the bookstore I found a set of cards by Roger von Oech called “Creative Whack Pack, 64 Strategies to provoke and inspire your thinking. “ I drew a card from the sample set and here is what it said:

CHANGE VIEWPOINTS
Long ago, a curious plague struck a village.  When afflicted, its victims went into a deathlike coma, and most died within a day.  The problem was that the villagers couldn’t tell if a victim was dead or alive.  After discovering that someone had been buried alive, an alarmed town council convened.  The majority – hoping to save lives – voted to put food and water in every coffin.  Another group proposed a cheaper solution: implant a stake in every coffin lid directly over the victim’s heart.  When closed, all doubts about the victim’s condition would vanish.  What differentiated the solutions were the questions used to find them.  Whereas the first group asked, “What if we bury somebody alive?”  The second group asked, “How can we make sure everyone we bury is dead?”

On September 9th, 1990, I took Sam, my cat, to the Vet for the last time.  He was 17 years old and suffering from feline leukemia.  Sam hated riding in cars because he always thought that he was going to the Vet.  Sam, who I refer to as the son I always wanted, was an alley cat, a stray that followed my daughter home.  Yet, I was devastated by choosing to have him put to sleep.  That day I vowed to myself that I would never own a pet that would not outlive me.

That was my viewpoint.  I did not see, however, the opportunities I missed by holding this perspective.  I did not see the years of companionship, love, enjoyment, laughter that pets give their owners.  I did not appreciate the comfort and joy that owners get from having a pet.  I only saw the pain of the loss.  Interestingly, most of my friends have pets, and recently an 8 year dog of one of them suddenly couldn’t walk.  He was rushed to a vet, who referred him to a neurologist.  The owners were visibly upset, and Elizabeth and I were also.  We know and love Dodger.  The memories of Sam came up and I felt those old feelings again, but this time, I also thought about the joy and love Dodger had provided to his owners. And in that moment, I knew, probably for the first time, that it was worth it.  The good news is that the diagnosis was a blood clot which was treatable with steroids and physical therapy. 

I once told a therapist that all relationships end, if for no other reason then death.  My mother had died a couple of years earlier leaving my father a widower after 55 years of marriage.  He was lost.  At that time, I chose not to be in any long term relationships with anyone.  I even avoided the use of the word love.

That was my viewpoint.  Again, I did not understand the opportunities I missed by this decision.  Since meeting and marrying Elizabeth, I have a whole new perspective on relationships and life.  I am enjoying the moment, and the moments we have together now.  I am enjoying sharing our lives and our love with each other.  I am healthier and happier because of that.

As I think back about the two situations, I now know that I was asking myself the wrong questions.  I was asking how can I avoid pain rather than asking how can I move towards pleasure.  I was looking for solutions, and not seeing opportunities.  My viewpoint was based on the question I was asking myself, and at that time, I did not know that there were other questions I could ask myself that would have resulted in different viewpoints. 

Are there areas of your life where your viewpoints are not working for you?  How are your questions limiting you?  Why not try rephrasing the questions? 

Dear Win,

I got my “A” in 2009 because I knew what I wanted and I did it. 

I took care of myself physically.  I finally got down to 180 pounds and stayed there.  I worked out 3 to 4 times a week at the gym or I walked 4 – 8 miles, and I watched what I ate.

Professionally, I took two coaching workshops, and participated in a biweekly “Coaching Roundtable” with Suzanne Damberg and Sandy Grove.  I listened to motivational and life coaching CDs and Podcasts, and read books and articles about life coaching and leadership.  I taught Life and Leadership coaching workshops at Aviana in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania; at Journeys of Life in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; and at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, in Rhinebeck, New York.  Elizabeth and I also co-facilitated our “Insight and Intuition” workshop at Omega in August.  I coached people one-on-one in person and on the telephone.

I continued to learn more Spanish and now feel comfortable when talking with local Mexicans.

I reestablished my relationship with my daughter, Traci.

Elizabeth and I grew closer.  Our commitment to each other and to our work together deepened our mutual understanding, and we have become better as a couple, and as teachers and healers.

In 2009, I liberated myself from my fears: my fear of success, my fear of failure, and my fear of simply being myself.  By consciously choosing to be the observer and participant in my life, I was able to “be, here, now.”  That allowed me to listen better, to be more curious, and to trust myself in the moment.  I became more comfortable being me, and therefore a better partner in all of my relationships. 

This past year I realized What’s Important Now for me, and I became a kinder, gentler person.  With this renewed sense of self, I began to see opportunities in situations where previously I only looked for solutions.  I chose to move towards what I wanted rather than choosing to move away from what I didn’t want.

In 2009, I focused on living and doing what I believe and teach, and in the process I lived a more authentic and fulfilled life. Knowing and honoring my values and living my life purpose helped me to make a difference in my life and in the lives of others.

I worked hard for my “A” and I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become this year. 

Love, Win