Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

Due to some challenging technical issues, Mike and I were not able to talk on the air today for the Leave it to Cleaver show.  We did, however, have a coaching session on the phone.

The homework I gave out on last week’s show was asking for what you want and saying “no” to the things you don’t want.  These are important and basic skills for personal growth and self-esteem.
Many people are taught and believe that it is rude or selfish to ask for what they want.  Some “expect” others to know what they want.  This often happens in relationships, personal, romantic, and professional, and is probably one of the main reasons that the relationships fail.  One of Life’s great secrets is that people who ask for what they want get it more often then those who don’t.  Complaints are often an indicator of not asking for what you want.  The next time you or someone else is complaining, stop and think, what am I or what are they not asking for.

When you say “yes” to one thing, you are saying “no” to something else.  Now people say yes for a lot of reasons primarily because they are people-pleasers.  They want people to like them and, they don’t want to disappoint anyone.  Some “sacrifice” themselves for others to the point of becoming overwhelmed, irritated, and often physically ill.
 
As proof that life is all about YOU. I want you to think about why you don’t ask for what you want, or don’t say no.  One reason is that we don’t trust the other person to be honest with us. For instance, we believe that people will say yes just to please us.  If that is what you are thinking, then look at how you trust yourself, and how honest you are with yourself.  We often criticize in others what we most fear in ourselves.

Another part of the homework was,  “How do you sabotage yourself?”  This is important for you to become aware of.  Sometimes it is very subtle and so ingrained in our behavior that we don’t realize that we are doing it.  Sabotaging can be as simple as not writing down the things we want to do, or have agreed to do.  It can take the form of waiting until the list minute to complete projects, or not asking for what we want or saying no.  Funny how it comes back to those two statements.

This week we talked about feelings and emotions.  Do you know when you are sad, mad, glad or scared?  In my late 40s, I realized that I was not feeling my feelings.  As most young men, I was told not to show my emotions.  Do these sound familiar:  Big boys don’t cry!  You can’t be sad about that. What are you afraid of?  We don’t get mad in this house?  So, I decided to become more aware of what I was feeling.  I started by simply identifying the feeling.  When I was sad, I told myself that I was sad, and focused on being aware of the body sensations associated with that state.  I did the same with the other 3 emotions.  Eventually, I could say them out loud.  Finally, I learned how to express them in a responsible and constructive manner.

For homework this week, I asked Mike “to write out 20 things he believes or holds to be true about job searching.”  You can substitute career, finances, relationships, fun, recreation, or anything you are working on for “job searching.”  The purpose is to identify any false beliefs or assumptions about what you are doing.  For instance, maybe you belief that “job searching” is tedious and hard; or maybe you believe that you have to be perfect in the search; or maybe you hold as true that you have to know someone to get the right job.  What you want to look for are your false assumptions and limiting beliefs, and come up with alternative perspectives.  In the above example, you could find ways to make the job search fun and exciting for you; or discover how the belief that you have to be perfect affects your search efforts, or finally, is it REALLY true that you have to know someone to get the right job? 

What are some other perspectives for your beliefs?

I like myself, and one of the reasons I do is that I am open to learning.  Now sometimes the lessons come slow and take time; and at the same time I do learn them.

In 1977, I ran the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC, and my time for the 26 miles, 385 yards was 3 hours 53 minutes, and 9 seconds.  In preparation for the race,  I ran 8-12 miles a day.  I seemed to be a nicer person when I ran; more relaxed, more grounded.  I attributed that to the physical exercise of running.

Fast forward to 1994, and I am telling the above story to some Omegans.  One of them suggested that the reason I felt so good about myself was that I was meditating while running.  I then thought, of course!  I used to breath in for 4 paces and breath out for 4 paces, and I would focus on that for 8-10 miles, or for a little bit over an hour to an hour and half everyday.  Learning Curve - 17 years between action and lesson.

My first job at Omega in 1994 was driving the shuttle van back and forth to the Rhinecliff train station.  I really enjoyed that because I had a captured audience for 15 minutes.  Once a passenger asked me how the town of Rhinebeck got its name.  I told them that Germans from the Rhine area of Germany settled here.  After about 1 minute, the same passenger asked me if that was true.  I sheepishly said, “No, I made that up.”  The next day, I did some research and found the land was bought from the local Indians by 4 Dutchmen, and that explains one of the more controversial names in the county—Fishkill.  Once every so many years, some politically correct advocates propose renaming the town of Fishkill to Fishpeace.  While the word kill does have a negative definition in most situations, in this case, however, it is simply the Dutch word for creek.

One Sunday, I was driving a Faculty member to the train station.  She had just finished teaching a writing workshop, and I asked her about my writing.  She said the key was rewrite, rewrite, and rewrite.  I offered that when I rewrote my work, it always seemed to get worse.  She said, “You are trying to rewrite the bad sentences to make them good.  Rewrite the good ones to make them better and expand on them.”  The light bulb went on, and I have used that technique since that day. 

This past year, I started using her quote as a metaphor in my coaching.  I realized that too often we try to “rewrite” bad situations in our lives rather than focusing on and expanding the good ones.
Now I know that one of the problems is recognizing, or acknowledging the “bad” sentences, or situations in our lives.  But honestly, how much time and energy have you spent trying to “rewrite bad” relationships, decisions, or goals?  Would it not be more in our own interest to make the good ones better and expand upon them.  Are you trying to “make” a relationship happen in your life and the other person is not interested, or the other person is sucking the very life energy out of you, and you still try to make it better?  Do you replay, rewrite, the bad decisions you made in your life, or do you expand on the good decisions you have made?  Do you continue to pursue an ineffective goal or do you focus on the ones that are life enhancing for you?  Learning Curve - Hmmm, that was only 14 years between action and lesson.  I am getting better!!!!  I like myself!

This week I challenge you to look at what you “rewrite”, and focus on expanding the “good” in your life.

I am now going to be on Steve Cleaver’s weekly, Leave it to Cleaver Radio show on Bard College internet radio.  Steve’s show is on Saturdays noon to 2 PM EST.  I have a 15 minute coaching time slot at 1 PM.  Elizabeth is on at 1:30 with her weekly Colorscope segment. 

I am going to post a recap of the coaching session on this blog, and this is an expanded version of my first coaching session with Mike on the Leave It to Cleaver radio show.  I would like to have you answer the questions for yourself.

Good afternoon.  When I am asked what I do, I respond:  You know how some people are stuck, are having difficulties in relationships, or are not sure what they want.  Well, I help them make sense of those situations, help them clarify what they want, and provide them support as they achieve their goals.  Coaching is about transformation, about getting people from where they are to where they want to be.  And that involves helping people find choices and opportunities where they may see none at the moment.

My website is http://www.winharper.com.  Elizabeth set that up for me and I thought it was brilliant.  I do have a hard time forgetting it.  My email address is not too surprisingly .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  I have a couple of articles there, plus information about a Fulfilled Life, and Life Purpose.  There are the standard Testimonials, Links, and Calendar pages.  I write a blog once a week, normally Sundays, and I will write about this coaching session each week.  I will post the questions I ask, so everyone can follow along with the coaching.  I encourage everyone to honestly answer the questions.  If you want to be coached, please contact me.  Also, I have two associates, Suzanne Damberg and Sandy Grove, who I talk with twice a month.  It is a Mastermind Group and we call it the Coaches Roundtable.  Sandy is a certified coach and Suzanne has just completed her exams to be certified.  Both of them will be working at Omega this season as Staff Life Coaches.  I mention them because the coach and the client need to fit each other, and this gives you some options. Some people prefer a woman coach, and sometimes our coaching schedules are full and we do want to take on any more clients.  We each offer a free 30 minute coaching consultation session.  If you would like to be coached by one of them, please contact me through my website.
My coaching philosophy is that you are creative, resourceful, and whole; you are not broken and don’t need to be fixed.

• I believe you know what you want to do and how to do it.  Many people, however, our blocked from access that information, and my job is to ask you questions and give you feedback so you can get pass those obstacles. 
• While we do address specific situations, my goal as your coach is to help you make sense of the underlying issues that keep you from reaching your true potential. 
• In addition, in order for you to live a fulfilled life, you need to know and honor your values and to live your life purpose.  I help you clarify your values and developed behaviors to support them. 
• I also help you discover your life purpose and write a one sentence Life Purpose Statement. 
• You are then able to make decisions based on your values, not on circumstances.  You are able to make decisions that lead you towards your life purpose.  You are able to make decisions that consider not what others want for you, but what you want for yourself.

Good morning Michael.  How are you today?  Do I have your permission to coach you?  First, I want to say that everything we talk about is confidential.  Only you and me, and Steve, Andy, and every listener will know what you say.  Is that alright with you?  If there is something you do not want to talk about on the radio, we can set up a private phone call after the show. 
This is our first session so I normally ask a lot of discovery questions. 

“What do you want?”  What’s Important Now for you?
Where are you stuck?
What 2 steps could you take right now that would make the biggest difference in your current situation?
Homework:  Ask for what you want, and say “no” to things you don’t.
What are 3 ways in which I sabotage myself?

Some of the best coaching takes place between sessions when you have the opportunity to apply what you learned.

I turned 65 on Thursday, but Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin celebrated their 200th so I don’t feel too old.  Elizabeth and I went down to a hotel and restaurant called Al Cielo and spent the night.  We enjoyed the day on the beautiful beach, and had a delightful dinner at the restaurant right on the ocean.  The next morning we got up and watched the sunrise.  It was a wonderful celebration of my birthday.

Our friend Melissa Harris was visiting with us this week, and she did this beautiful water painting of Elizabeth and me for my birthday.  I really like it!  Melissa is an artist and an intuitive who does Spirit Essence Portraits. 

Denis Waitley, another of my gurus, often asks in his work, “How many sunrises and sunsets have you watched lately?”  Well, I can say one, two days ago, but that was the first one in a long time.  As a Life Coach, questions beget questions and I thought of some others that may stimulate you:  Do you stop and smell the roses or any flower?  Do you notice the changing of the leaves during the fall?  How are your neighbors doing?  When was the last time you told someone you loved them?  Have you thanked someone lately for a small act of kindness?

In 1996, I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail for 2 months by myself.  I walked from the Pennsylvania/Maryland border to New Hampshire, a distance of about 600 miles.  I allowed myself lots of individual moments out there.  Each morning I would start my day by concentrating on each of my senses.  Then while I walked I could feel the air against my skin, smell the myriad aromas of the woods, taste the jasmine and honeysuckle in my mouth, hear the birds and animals, and see the ever changing beauty of my day.  One day in particular after I ate lunch on a rock over looking a wide valley, I laid back and looked up at the sky.  I just stared at the clouds in amazement, and soon they were forming animals.  I smiled with delight at one of life’s simple pleasures; one that is there almost daily, and one I do not permit myself to enjoy on any regular basis.  Actually, till that moment I hadn’t done it in about 40 years.  Interestingly, however, the times I remember most about the Trail were those spent with others.  I walked for about 2 weeks with a man who called himself Swampfox, his trail name, and a week with my friend, Jim Hurlburt.  I also spent many nights at campsites with other hikers, and a loose social network formed around the shared experience of being on the Trail together.

After much prodding by Elizabeth, I joined FaceBook.com about 2 months ago.  Well this week, I got many birthday wishes from friends on my wall, and each one of them brought a smile to my face.  The warmth and sincerity of the messages from my community made my day even more special.  Ian Digges, a friend who is insightful and direct, made me laugh and gave me some coaching.  On my birthday, I had reported my status as, “Win is trying to figure out how he became 65.”  Ian emailed me, “64 + 1 = 65 ”  I love that answer because it was a good reminder to me not to over-analyze. 

As I have gotten older, I have come to appreciate celebrations, friendships, and community.  I have learned that life is better when you allow others the opportunity to share it with you.

I have found that sometimes the definition of words we use can change how we see things.  For instant, when I am coaching a couple I will ask them what their definition of commitment is?  One of them may say, “Well, commitment means that I will never sleep with another person, and that I will be with my partner for the rest of my natural life.”  The other partner may say, “Well, it is an opportunity to deepen our relationship and have a profound connection within the safety of our partnership.”  That is quite a difference in what the word “commitment” means to each of them.  How do you react to each of these statements?  Which definition do you use? 

For your information, according to the Encarta Dictionary on my computer Commitment has two meanings:
1.    Responsibility – something that takes up time or energy, especially an obligation.
2.    Loyalty – devotion or dedication, e.g. to a cause, person, or relationship.

Notice that the first one uses the word “obligation” while the second one uses “devotion or dedication.”

My life coach once said to me – Be empty of expectations and full of expectancy, and I have passed it on to others, including my wife who included it in her “Wishing” book. 

Expectations have value when you are planning or making choices. For instance, when you are trying to make a decision you normally have an expectation for a certain outcome of that decision?  That answer gives you a basis on which to compare your other choices.  Maybe you are trying to decide whether to buy a house.  One of your expectations from buying could be that the value of the house would go up over time, and you decide to buy based on that expectation.

Expectations can be important when you take on a new job or start a new relationship.  Brian Tracy, my time management guru, says that you need to ask your new boss what his/hers expectations are of you.  I think that is also a good question to ask your potential romantic partner.  The answer gives you goals and measurable outcomes that you can strive for, or choose not to!

How do you respond, however, if you do not reach your own, your boss’s, or your life partner’s expectations?  Does your inner critic beat you up for failing?  Does your saboteur remind you that you were way out of your league trying to do this?  Or are your limiting beliefs confirmed:  I don’t have the talent, the training, the genes, the…to rise to that level.  What was I thinking?

Again, I looked up expectation in my Encarta Dictionary and here are the definitions I found:
1.    Anticipation of something happening, a confident belief or strong hope that a particular event will happen.
2.    Notion of something - a mental image of something expected, often compared to its reality.
3.    Expected standard – a standard of conduct or performance expected by or of somebody – “He hasn’t worked up to expectations.”

Which definition do you think of when you hear the word expectation? The first definition talks about anticipation, or expectancy, but unfortunately I think many individuals choose definition 3.  That is probably the most accepted one, and the one that puts the most stress on people.  The difference is in the first definition we are confident that a particular event will happen, and in the third definition we believe that a standard of conduct or performance ought to occur.  If it doesn’t then there is judgment:  “He hasn’t worked up to expectations.”  When you use words and phrases like, ought to, have to, and should they are indicators that you are trying to live up to someone else’s standards.
 

Are you committed (dedicated) to yourself?  Are you living a life full of expectations (anticipation and expectancy)? Or are you frustrated by others’ expectations (standards) for you?  How do your words and their definitions affect your life?