Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

Some of the best coaching occurs between sessions, and this was the case for Mike.  This week he was working on his job search and on writing his bio.  He wanted to use “taglines,” and he asked himself:  What is the essence of who I am? What am I? He came up with 25 taglines in 5 minutes.

These two questions define the purpose of coaching:  to help the client remember who he/she is.  Take a few moments and answer them for yourself.

During the linked session I followed up on a few comments Mike had made the week before.  First I asked him about his Future Self.  Mike had said that Shepherd was who I would like to be and want to become. He recalled that when he was playing football that he was small and people doubted he could reach the heights he did.  He used visualization and determination to do his best, and better than anyone expected.  He never questioned if he would fail.
After being laid off he started doubting himself, which is normal.  Mike said the Future Self guided meditation help him remember his greatness.

I also asked him about his statement last week concerning taking on responsibility for the outcomes of those he wants to help. He also thought that those he were helping “gave me their power.” This is a limiting belief and has been blocking Mike from taking on more leadership.  I asked him for some alternate perspectives.  He came up with several, and one was that he can ask questions rather than giving solutions.  One of the leadership tools I have used is when someone brings a challenge to me, I ask them to state it in one sentence.  I then ask them for 3 solutions.  Finally, I ask for their recommendation.  Questions direct an individual’s thoughts and attention.  They stimulate ideas, and are an excellent way to train other’s to think for themselves.

We also did some values clarification exercises.  What are values?  Take a few moments and think about that. 

What are your top 5 values?

Brian Tracy asks, “How can you tell who a person is? By what they say?  By what they intend to do?  By what they promise they will do?  No, you can tell who a person is by what they do.  And what they do is what they value.  Values are who we are, expressed in our thought, words, and deeds.  Our actions do not contradict our values.  Your values guide your decisions and behavior and can bring you mental and emotional freedom:  The degree to which you honor your values is the degree to which you gain fulfillment.”

Values are who we are. Not who we would like to be, not who we think we should be, but who we are in our lives, right now. Another way to put it is that values represent our unique and individual essence, our ultimate and most fulfilling form of expressing and relating. Our values serve as a compass pointing out what it means to be true to oneself. When we honor our values on a regular and consistent basis, life is good and fulfilling. The Coaches Training Institute

You have values whether you are conscious of them or not.  Knowing your values is part of being self-aware and living more intentionally, and they can provide you insight into your emotions and behaviors. 

Here are the exercises for clarifying your values:

1. Remember a peak moment when life was especially rewarding or poignant. It’s important that the time frame be quite limited—a “moment”—or there will be too much in the experience to allow you to pinpoint specific values. “What was happening?” “Who was present and what was going on?” “What were the values that were being honored in that moment?”

2. Next ask yourself, What makes me mad?  Your emotions are a direct result of whether your values are being honored, met, and demonstrated. When they are, you are happy and fulfilled, when they are not you are unhappy, frustrated, and angry.  Maybe unkindness makes you mad, or injustice, or arrogance.  These are negative and we want to emphasize the positive.  So if unkindness makes you angry “kindness” would be a value of yours.  Likewise injustice would be “justice” and arrogance could be “humility.”

3. What special quality do you have that everyone identifies you with.  For instance, if you woke up tomorrow morning and you did not have that quality or trait, your friends and family would not recognize you.  In my case that would be my sense of humor.  What is this quality for you?

4. Our friends and families often do us a service by pointing out the obsessive expression of our values: “You are so controlling!” “All you think about is your students.” “You want all the attention.” These statements might point toward a value of personal power/leadership, of learning/growth, and of recognition/acknowledgment. Examine those times when you take certain values to the extreme. “What is it that people say about you? What do you say about yourself?” “What is it that people tease you about or that drives them crazy?” There are important values here that have mutated for some reason. Look for the value, and don’t focus on the mutation.

Here are the values I came up with for Mike.

Discipline
Freedom/independence
Personal Growth/education
Teamwork
Family
Service/contribution/caring
Humor/fun
Equality/fairness
Courtesy/respect
Challenges
Positive Attitude
Integrity

As homework, I want him to review the above and make “value strings” of words.  For instance, I did that for freedom/independence and service/contribution/caring.  When creating the values string, place the most significant term at the beginning, such as “freedom” and “service” in the above.  I also asked Mike to visit his Future Self, Shepherd, and ask him what he thinks about these values.

Then pick your top 5 values, and write a short definition of what each one means to you.

Here is another Brian Tracy quote: “All stress and unhappiness come from believing and valuing one thing and finding yourself doing another.”

Good luck!

Click below to listen to the actual coaching session.

The past week was a mixed one for Mike.  He said that he was not as focused as the previous two, and was thrown off a bit by some schedule changes.  He stated, however, that he is not routinely affected by change.

Mike did the Future Self Guided Meditation, and we debriefed his experience during our session.  His future self was a skinny old fellow wearing flip-flops.  He had a goatee and crazy hair, and was really relaxed.  Mike wasn’t exactly sure where his Future Self was living, but it was a house in a hilly forested area.  The house was light and bright, and simple and open.

I asked him what was the Essence of his Future Self?  He said that his future self was warm, welcoming, relaxed, and open to helping others including himself.  He just wanted to be helpful.

During the meditation Mike asked his Future Self a series of questions.  What follows are those questions and the answers he received:

What is it Future Self that you most remember about the last 20 years?
His Future Self found his power and soared; He had an image of being on a bike for the first time and finding his balance.  He recalled the excitement about being able to ride a bike and having places to go explore. Do you remember a similar moment in your life?

Future Self what do I need to be most aware of to get me from where I am today to where you are?
Don’t necessarily listen to other’s who question or doubt you.  Do it for you.  While others are important in your life, do what you want to do for yourself first.
 
Future Self what name, other than your first name, are you called by?  It is a special name and could be a metaphor or symbol of your essence. Shepherd – someone who guides others.

When I asked Mike about the name and what it meant to him, he said the experience was a bit scary.  He said that he has had a hesitancy to accept power (to shepherd others) because he feels that if he helps someone he is responsible for what happens to them.  He called it his “savior mentality.”

This is a key statement because it is a “limiting belief” for Mike and blocks him from being his full self.  I have found that this statement can mean the individual does not trust others to make their own decisions and be responsible for themselves.  Normally, this also means that the individual does not fully trust himself to make decisions and be responsible.  An underlying issue is boundaries:  physical, mental, spiritual, and psychological boundaries.  Remember “good fences make good neighbors.”  A lot of people either have no fence, and feel vulnerable and uncomfortable; or they have a wall behind which they hide to protect themselves through isolation.  The image of a waist high fence is a good reminder of how you can protect yourself and still interact with others and feel safe.  Being your fulfilled self takes courage, and again it is about speaking up and asking for what you want, and saying “no” to things you don’t want.

I next had Mike relax and breathe deeply.  Then, I asked him to imagine his future self, Shepherd.  After a few more breaths, I had Mike sit, stand, and walk as his future self.  Finally, I had him touch the place on his body that most evoked his Future Self.  This is the access point, and he can use at any time to bring his Future Self, his guide, into the present moment.  When faced with a question, a decision, or a challenging situation, he can simply place his hand there, and his Future Self will be there to help him.

Last week Mike had mentioned being “frustrated with leadership” and sometimes challenging bosses to the point of being stubborn.

That resonated with me because of my own life experience which I shared with Mike.  My relationship with my dad was not what I wanted. He was a lovely man and a damn good car salesman, but not especially adept as a parent.  When I went to him seeking help or guidance, he would sometimes just say he didn’t know, or sometimes criticize me for not being able to do it myself.  Remember I grew up in the era when boys/men didn’t show emotions or for god’s sake cry.  I was “conditioned” not to trust older people, and in effect not to trust myself. 

The affect of this:  During my 26 years in the Marine Corps, I never had a professional mentoring relationship with any superior officer.  Many wanted to help me, but in my own stubbornness I refused their offers.  I even had a name for those who did have such a relationship:  kiss ass.  It was only after I retired that I realized the incredible opportunities I had missed, and how I had sabotaged my own career through this type of behavior. 

The 3 things Mike is most proud of:
Graduating from college
Getting out of debt
Making transition from non-profit to profit

The common thread in these accomplishments was, they were “a challenge.”  This exercise is good to remind yourself of how good you truly are.  In the day to day world sometimes we dwell on what we haven’t done, when in fact all of us have done many challenging and important things in our lives.  You have done many wonderful positive things, and you can do them again.  The patience and perseverance that got you through can be summoned up to meet your new challenges.  Remember it takes patience, perseverance, and more than a week to be who you are meant to be.  You are worth it.

Homework:
Who are you becoming?
Access your future self during the week.

Next week we are going to do a Values Clarification exercise.

Mike had another good week, although he still does not have a job.  On Thursday he went to a conference about alternative energy specific to buildings.  It was for networking.  He said that it was slow at first, but that then it began to flow naturally.  His elevator speech (part of his homework from last week) worked well, and got good responses.  He learned that
1. People are more open then I think.
2. I might be better than I think I am.

The second part of his homework was “What am I avoiding?”  He found this question tough to answer because he is really avoiding it.  With the current economic situation he and his wife Suzanne are going to implement their contingency plan!!! They had developed a fall back plan using “What if” questions… about their financial situation.  Mike being out of work was one of the things they “what if’d”, and the plan is to reduce their standard of living for 1 – 3 years.  This may include selling their house.  This decision will be made in June.  How many of you have contingency plans?

The third part of the homework was “What am I resisting?”  Being newly married situations have arisen between Mike and Suzanne about how to do things.  A lot of times an internal “conflict” arises when one of our values are not being honored.  For instance, when there is a difference in how things are to be done, we sometimes feel like we are losing our freedom.  Freedom is a universal value and if threatened we become anxious.  At the same time, we need to look at if that is true in the situation we are in.  Does putting the knives in a different drawer really take away our freedom?  Again, sometimes this goes back to simply asking for what you want, or asking for clarification.  A lot of us simply want to know why things are done.
I talk to a lot a people about commitment and freedom.  They are not mutually exclusive, and I believe commitment gives us more freedom.  Unless you are committed to someone or something, you are not free to be yourself.  Unless you are committed there could be the fear that if I am my true self, my authentic self, then the other person may leave.  We hold ourselves back, and in that process we are not happy, and that affects how we are in relationship to others.

I asked Mike “What were the reasons you were let go from your previous job?”  While 500 out of 800 people were let go within the same time frame as Mike, I wanted to know if there was anything that he could learn from the experience.  Jack Welch in his book, “Winning” says that one of the key questions to ask when interviewing someone for a job is “What were the reasons for you leaving your last job?”  His advice for the answer is that honesty is always the best policy.

When I was passed over for Colonel several of my contemporaries were also.  Some of them said they were surprised and did not know why they were not promoted.  I did.  I had two jobs in my career where I did not do an adequate job, and was therefore not competitive for promotion.  I looked at both of those situations and learned what I did or didn’t do.  When I am asked “Why did you retire from the Marine Corps?” I say, “I retired because I was not going to be promoted.  Twice during my career I did not meet a competitive standard of performance.  I have learned from those situations and I am improving in those areas of my leadership.”

Mike said that he is a challenger, and sometimes can be stubborn.  It is important that he look for jobs with companies that have a culture that supports that and has values that are aligned with his. If a company doesn’t value integrity and that is one of your values, then you will not be happy working for that company.  In two weeks, Mike and I will do a values clarification exercise.

I then asked Mike what he said to himself when he makes a mistake.  His answers: “Why didn’t I see that”, “I need to improve that for next time”, and “Why am I not smart enough?” – This is the voice of your saboteur, and your saboteur wants to keep you where you are.  The saboteur loves the status quo.  The quickest way to deal with this voice is to acknowledge it and than know that you have other choices.  You can also mitigate the saboteur by immediately making a positive statement about yourself.  For instance if you say, “You are such an idiot, why did you?”  You could say something like, “Well in this situation I didn’t think the issue through clearly.  In the future I will spend more time on it before I decide.”  What did you say to yourself the last time you made a “mistake?”

Just before we hung up Mike shared with me a moment this week when he allowed himself to feel his feelings.  After considerable effort Mike found the person who could make a hiring decision at EMC, and he then was told that the position was already filled.  He hung up and stood there for a moment, and then said to himself, “I am sad.”  He felt his feelings, and within 10 minutes the emotion was gone.  Watch children.  They feel all of their feelings (sad, mad, glad, and scared), express them, and move on.  As we get older we learn to suppress our feelings, and that is when we feel discomfit, anxiety, and depression.

Home work for next week:
What 3 things are most proud of in your life?
Read my blog “I like myself”  at http://www.winharper.com/index.php/life_coach/blog/i_like_myself/

I believe that songs are one way of looking at our lives, so a couple of years ago, I decided to make a list of my top 10 songs of all time.  Well, after many hours of work, I got down to about 100 songs.  The process was much harder than I expected, and at the same time a lot of fun.  One of the complications was that I am hooked on the Time Life Music shows on TV.  I watch them every time they are on and add more songs.  Then last summer, I spent three days watching YouTube videos of my favorite artists and songs, and that added more songs to my list. 

So here are my top 10 or so selections:

“Runaway” by Del Shannon is my number one of all time.  I believe it is the perfect song.  A simple lyric repeated in an annoying high-pitched voice about lost love.  It was 1961; I was 17 and full of adolescent angst and rebellion against my parents.  They hated the song, so I loved it and played it on my .45 RPM record player incessantly. 

“Hey, Jude” was popular when I returned from Vietnam in 1968.  There was something about it that struck a chord in me.  The Beatles, a crescendo, and a cacophony of voices and instruments, what is there not to like.  And I was alive.  One night I sat in Miacher’s Bar, an old haunt of mine, and drank beer and played “Hey, Jude” on the jukebox.  5 songs for a quarter, and I put in roughly 4 dollars.  Bill the owner finally leaned over and in a not too fatherly manner said, “If you play that song one more time, I going to throw you out.”
 
“My Green Tambourine” by the Lemon Pipers.  This song reminds me of my time in Vietnam.  I am not sure I know all of the words, but there is just something about it that I like.

“It’s Such a Pretty World Today” by Wynn Stewart was popular as I was on my way to Vietnam, as was “The Letter”, by the Box Tops; and Linda Ronstadt and the Stone Ponies’, “A Different Drum.”

Roy Orbison’s “Running Scared” was another song along the lines of “Runaway” but with a happier ending.  Roy’s 2-octave voice was haunting and magical. I have 174 of his songs on my iPod!  In 1964, his “Pretty Woman” was another perfect song.  38 years later, I had it played over the church’s sound system as Elizabeth and I walked down the aisle at our wedding.

“You Never Even Called Me by My Name” by David Allan Cole.  Honestly, this is the perfect country and western song, because in the end it is about momma, trains, trucks, prison, and getting drunk.  Unbelievable! Toni Sinopoli (Omega’s Staff Development Coordinator) and I do a fair rendition of that song. 

All of Meatloaf’s songs, but especially, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I Would do Anything for Love.”  In the latter song, I am captured by enigmatic lyrics and Meatloaf’s dramatic performance.  In 1993 when I drove across the country I played the “Bat Out of Hell” cassette for 3 days.  When my voice finally gave out, I lip-synced the words into my rearview mirror.  Jim Steinman wrote most of Meatloaf’s hits, and he also wrote another of my top 10:  “A Total Eclipse of the Heart,” by Bonnie Tyler.  An absolute classic!  That song went through my mind non-stop for a week while I was on the Appalachian Trail. I must admit that was a bit annoying, but how do you get a song out of your head?

From that same time, “Up Where We Belong” by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes won the Oscar as the best song.  It was the theme song for one of my favorite movies, “An Officer and A Gentleman.”  Lou Gossett, Jr., played the best movie Marine Corps Drill Instructor ever!  He embodied a man who believed in an unbending adherence to a standard of excellence, and had the personal strength to drive people beyond what they believe they can do with passion and compassion.  And he had the swagger down perfect.
How many songs is that, and I have not scratched the surface of my life.  I didn’t mention Cock Robin’s “When Your Heart is Weak”, or The Walker Brothers’ “The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore,” or any of Stevie Nicks’ songs.  And what about, “The Hokey Pokey” and “Y.M.C.A.?”

In my workshops, I ask, “What is your theme song.”  I believe we all have one; mine ultimately is “Pretty Woman.”  And, we need to have an “inspirational” song playlist on our iPods.  That is a whole different set of songs for me:  “Change Your Mind”, “Do You Belief in Magic”, “I Hope You Dance”, “Walk on Faith”, “If God Was One of Us”, “Imagine”, “Over the Rainbow”, “It’s a Wonderful World”, and the combo “Over the Rainbow/ It’s a Wonderful World” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole to name a few.

What are your top 10 songs of all time?  What is your theme song?  What songs inspire you?  Are they on your iPod?

Mike had a good week.  He met with a former colleague who has a Masters Degree in Positive Psychology.  The purpose of the meeting was to network, and Mike felt comfortable asking for what he wanted.  He even contacted her and asked to see her.  The key here was that Mike “trusted” that she could say yes or no.  Many times we don’t ask for what we want because we believe the other person will say yes even when they want to say no.  The potential asker “knows this”, and in order not to be a “burden” on the other person they don’t ask.  A lot of times the individual thinks this way because they have a hard time saying no themselves.  Again, a key to good self-esteem and living a fulfilled life is being able to ask for what you want and to say no to things you don’t want. 

I have included in this blog a copy of the Discovery Questionnaire I sent Mike.  I encourage all of you to answer the questions as a self-discovery exercise. 

On the radio, Mike and I briefly talked about his response to question 2:  He wants to have more confidence in his abilities.  This came up last week when he stated that he began doubting his competence after returning from his honeymoon and starting the job search.  Prior to his honeymoon, he was building a house, was planning his wedding, and working full-time.  Each of those activities has their own set of fears and anxieties. He, however, felt alive and good about himself, because the best antidote to fears and anxieties is action, and he was taking action. I asked him if he had any evidence that his fear of being incompetent was true.  He said that in his previous job he had asked to do some projects outside of his comfort zone, and was told by his boss that he wasn’t qualified to do them.  Mike did not question his boss’s comments, but accepted them. 

This led us to the next question.

His answer to question 3 – When do you give your power up? To Whom? – was, “I give power up when I don’t see others recognize it.  I’ve given it up to my bosses and lately to my wife.”  I asked him what does that mean.  After a couple of questions, it became apparent that Mike is “mind-reading” what other people are thinking.  One of the paradigms I use for communications is from the book, “Crucial Confrontations.”  We see or hear something, we TELL OURSELVES A STORY, we have a feeling, and we react.  Here is an example:  I walk into a room, and an acquaintance turns their head and walks out the door.  I tell myself that they are snubbing me, and they are mad at me for some reason.  I become angry myself, and at a later time “confront” them with something like:  Hey, what’s going on I entered the room the other day, and you immediately walked out.  What the hell have I done for you to act that way?”  Most of the time they respond with, “When was that?  I didn’t see you.  I left the room early because I had another appointment.”  Oh!  When we TELL OURSELVES A STORY we need to recognize that it is only our story.  What is the best way to find out if it is true?  Ask!!!!  In the above situation it would go something like this:  The other day I came into the room and you turned your head and walked out.  I am telling myself that you are mad at me and are avoiding me.  Is that true?  If it is, do you have time to talk about this situation? 

Going back to Mike’ situation, when Mike’s boss said that he was not qualified for the project, Mike read his boss’s mind, and heard, “You are not competent.”  This is where Mike gave up his power. 

Finally we talked about his job search.  I asked him what he did, and he said, “I look for ways to improve the current situation for my team and for the company.”  He also said that he “creates systems that create value!”  I asked him if he had a 15 second elevator speech.  I recently listened to a tele-seminar through the International Coach Federation called, “The Art of Enrollment.”  It was presented by Keith Rosen, The Executive Sales Coach, www.ProfitBuilders.com .  His suggestion is to start your speech with “You know how… and then describe what issues you address.  The next sentence tells how you resolve those issues.  Here is what I came up with.  When I am asked - What do you do? - I say, “You know how some people feel they are stuck, or they are having difficulties with relationships, or they think that something is missing in their lives.  What I do is I help them make sense of the situation, assist them in getting clarity on what they want, and provide them support as they achieve their goals.”

Here is this week’s homework:

Write out your elevator speech.
What are you avoiding?
What are you resisting?

Discovery Questionnaire

1. If time and resources were not a concern, describe the things you long to do?

2. What’s missing in your life, the presence of which would have your life be more fulfilling?

3. When do you give your power up?  To whom?

4. Think about one or two people who really inspire you.  What about them is inspiring?

5. What else would you like me, as your coach, to know about you?