Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

“Every challenge provides you the opportunity to demonstrate who you want to be.”  Anne Hartley

Coaching helps you to get clarity in your life, and clarity means you know who you are and what you want.  Who you are is your Life Purpose and your values. This week Mike continued to work on his Life Purpose.  Writing the Life Purpose statement is an iterative process and takes time.  Mike is in this process, and he is learning a lot about himself.  And that is because some of the best coaching takes place between sessions.  It is during this time when the Universe challenges you, and you have a chance “to demonstrate who you want to be.”

Mike came up with a new statement, “I am the grit in the polish that others use to sharpen themselves.”  This is more in line with Mike’s natural impact.  When he says he is the grit he means that he likes to challenge others to be more than they are, “to sharpen themselves.”  The words “others use”  helps Mike to separate himself and not take responsibility for the results that others’ produce in their lives. Two weeks ago we learned that Mike had been limiting himself by believing that he was responsible for the results of others.  One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that you are only responsible for yourself.  When you learn that, then the next lesson is to learn that others are responsible for themselves.  This is a trust issue, and as with all issues in life, you can only trust others to the extent that you trust yourself.  Similarly, you can only love another to the extent that you love yourself; you can only respect others to the extent that you respect yourself.  It is all about YOU!

While working on the Life Purpose statement, Mike is consciously and unconsciously aligning himself with it, and he is reclaiming his personal power.  He is asking for what he wants and saying no to the things he doesn’t want.  For instance, when visiting his brother two weeks ago, a situation came up that normally he would have chosen not to deal with.  Marshall Rosenberg in his Non-Violent Communications work states that while we normally believe that there are only two instinctual reactions:  Fight or Flight, there is in fact a third – Connect.  When we choose fight, we argue or get mad; when we choose flight, we become silent or even leave.  Both do not resolve the issue and normally we are left not feeling satisfied.  When we choose connect, however, we authentically tell the other person what we are feeling, what we need, and we make a request.  To read more about Non-Violent Communications, visit The Center for Nonviolent Communication.  Here are two other books on communications that I recommend, “Crucial Confrontations” and “Crucial Conversations.”

I asked Mike what is frustrating for him right now.  He said nothing this week, and then added that he is frustrated a little by not knowing what areas to pursue in his job search.  I then asked him what information he needed to help him. The discussion turned to another limiting belief he had about the type of industry he wanted to work in.  Mike is focusing on the alternative energy industry because that is his most recent experience and that is an area he believes important. After a few questions, he realized that it is important for him to find a job with a company that shares his values and one in which he believes in their product. That may be alternative energy or it may be some other unrelated industry.  Mike’s leadership strengths and skills can be used in any industry.  While we were talking I thought about the railroads in the United States.  It is generally believed that they limited their growth by seeing themselves as a railroad industry rather than a transportation industry.  How are your beliefs limiting you?  Which one can you change today and free yourself?

Mike’s Homework:
Send me your weekly plan on Sunday evenings.  Accountability is one of the great benefits of having a coach.
Continue to work on your Life Purpose Statement. 

Who do you want to be?

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”  Oscar Wilde.

What a delightful quote.  If you are living your Life Purpose and honoring your values you are being yourself.  Being authentic means that you are saying and doing what you believe.  Remember a time in your life when everything was flowing; “What were you doing?” “What were you feeling?”  “What impact were you having on those around you?”

Today we started working on Mike’s Life Purpose.  Your life purpose is unique to you and it is the natural impact that you have in the world.  Normally that means your contribution.  I have an article on my website that discusses the process I went through in discovering my life purpose:  “I am the round table at which the community gathers to nourish itself”.

I started by asking Mike what he wanted to be as a child.  Me, I wanted to be a cowboy, in particular Hopalong Cassidy.  He had a code of ethics and behavior, and he helped people.  While I didn’t grow up and become a cowboy, I am now helping people through my coaching.  The impact I wanted from being a cowboy is part of my life purpose, to help others.

Mike wanted to be a football player and coach.  When I asked him what impact he wanted have as a coach, he said that he had gotten a lot out of football and wanted to help other people have a similar experience.  With a few more questions it became apparent that Mike was talking about team building and relationships.  From previous sessions I knew that Mike liked teamwork and the synergy of working with them.

Next I asked Mike, “Tell me about a time when you were very happy?”  When we are happy, we a living our Life Purpose.  He told me a story about his time in Colorado when he was substitute teaching.  He talked about the impact he had on others then: He instilled confidence in the other teachers and his students.  He was a role model to them by being consistent with who he was, and maintaining personal and professional discipline. 

I then asked “What is your life purpose?”  He replied, “To create a feeling of stability and consistency of strength.”  This was the first iteration of the impact portion of Mike’s Life Purpose.

Next I wanted him to develop a metaphor for his statement in order to engage the left brain. 

The goal is to have a complete this basic format for the Life Purpose statement:
I am the (metaphor) so that people (impact statement).

Again, here is mine: “I am the round table (metaphor) at which the community gathers to nourish itself (impact statement)”.  Notice that I changed the format a little.  Also, it does not have to be original, it only has to be TRUE for you.

My next question for Mike was, “Metaphorically what would you need to be to have the impact you want to have?”  Here are his responses:

Oak tree
Foundation
Mountain

Mike’s homework is to come up with his Life Purpose statement.  Here are some draft ideas:

I am the oak tree that stands tall so that others can recognize their own strength and confidence.
I am the foundation upon which people build their strength and confidence.
I am the mountain people climb to develop their confidence and measure their strength.

Mike played High School basketball for a team that won the county championship.  A few years out of high school a teammate said to him, “Mike, we would not have done as well without you on the team.”  Mike did not play much his senior year, but he challenged the starters in practice.  He played as hard as he could in order to help prepare the first team for games.  He also was seen as a team leader, and players would come to him when they needed someone to talk to.  One of Mike’s strengths is to challenge others to do more than they think they can do.

I asked Mike to consider this in his Life Purpose statement.

Working with his career coach, Mike wrote some powerful Marketing material.  He said that when he reread it, he was amazed at what he had written.  He admitted that he found it difficult to write about himself, or promote himself very well, because that would be “bragging!” I asked him for another perspective.  After a brief moment, he realized that in order to help people, his life purpose, then he really wanted to connect with others, and that could be accomplished through life stories.  His life experiences and stories create value for other people.

Just before we finished Mike was telling me about a recent situation in which he felt like a schmuck.  Actually, his saboteur said to him, “I am a schmuck.”  We will continue to work with and discuss the saboteur, but in this moment I asked Mike to put the phrase “I am having the thought that” before “I am a schmuck.”  Mike said this detached him from the words and lessened the effect of the phrase.  Here are some other examples for you:  I am having the thought that I am stupid.  I am having the thought that I can never do anything right.  I am having the thought that I (fill in your most common saboteur phrase.)  How does that feel to you?

Remember, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates

That is the theme of this week’s coaching.  Mike and I continued to talk about his values.  He did not define each one, but he did prioritize them.  It is important to prioritize our values because that is how we make decisions.  When our values conflict we always choose the one we value most.

I asked him to look at his values and on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, determine how he is honoring each value today.  The degree to which you honor your values is the degree to which you gain fulfillment.

Here is what Mike came up with:
Independence 8
Family 8
Caring/service/contribution 6
Challenges 7
Integrity 7

The next step in the process is to look at each value that you are honoring at 6 or below.  Then commit to taking an action which will increase the number by 1.  For instance, Mike has a 6 for caring/service/contribution.  I asked him what he is doing right now in that area and he replied that because of his job search he was not doing as much as he would like.  This week he actually said “no” to a request that he volunteer for a charity. I acknowledged and congratulated him on his saying no, since this is a powerful tool in taking care of yourself.  His primary goal right now is to find a job, and the charity work would have taken too much of his time.  I then asked him what he could do to move that value from a 6 to a 7.  He came up with some ideas that would not be as time consuming as the offer he turned down.

When making changes in your life, it is best to take small steps so that you do not overwhelm yourself.  Looking at how you are honoring your values, where do you have a 6 or below?  What is one thing you can start doing today that you are not doing now, that would increase that number by 1?  Do this for all of your values and email me what you are going to do.

Interestingly, Mike left off growth and education as one of his top 5 values although it is the one he most honors right now.  Again, this is another example of how coaching can increase your awareness of what you are doing.  Coaching is about deepening the learning and forwarding the action in a client’s life.  So far Mike and I have been focusing on helping him understand how he processes information and interacts with others.  Being the participant and observer in your life allows you to make decisions about who you are and who you want to be.  For instance, by witnessing what you are doing and saying in the moment, you can decide if what you are doing and saying supports who you want to be.  You may be angry at someone, and say something harsh to them.  If you are aware, you can pause, take a breath, and decide if that is the person you want to be.  If not, then you can simply change what you are saying or doing.

I then asked Mike how his job search was going.  He has a Job Coach and I do not want to interfere with that relationship, and at the same time, one of the most important aspects of Life Coaching is holding the client accountable.  We normally do what we tell another person we are going to do.

He said that things go well when he makes plans.  I asked him what gets in the way of planning.  His answer was distractions and interruptions. I asked him if he was willing to send me an email when he had completed his plans for the week.  He agreed and he did send me an email when he had completed his planning for the upcoming week.

Working with his Job Coach, Mike determined that one of his key success factors or strengths was public speaking and presenting.  In his last job, however, he did not have much opportunity to exercise this strength and that would have contributed to his not being happy there.  This is an example of how important awareness of your values and key success factors are.  Mike can now use this information when evaluating his job offers.  When our values and the values of the organization we work for are aligned, then we are more fulfilled by the work we are doing; and therefore happier.

Homework:

Make job search plans for the week, and email me when they are complete –  Mike did email me that he had completed his planning for the upcoming week.

Write up a definition of your values.  Also, be conscious of how your values affect your daily life. 

Here is the after show coaching session: