Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Paulo Coelho

The more I work with people the more I appreciate values clarification.  Mike is living a fulfilled life while still searching for work.  Why?  Because he is honoring his values and living his life purpose.

This past week he was in Ohio working with a friend who is starting a new small business.  As Mike described the events, his voice was alive and I felt his enthusiasm through the phone.  Here are his values:

Value 1 Independence
Value 2 Family
Value 3 Contribution/caring/service
Value 4 Challenges
Value 5 Integrity

Listen to the latest podcast of my coaching session with Mike, and see if you can identify the values he is honoring.  Also, his Life Purpose Statement is:  “I am the wet stone against which others sharpen themselves.”  Is that apparent in the session?  Finally, his Future Self’s name is “Shepherd.”  How does that relate to what he is doing now?

Ironically (Hmmm, maybe), while consulting and working with his friend, he got a call about another project consulting job.  One that pays!

Did you do the values clarification exercise last week?  How are you honoring your values?  What is your life purpose? 

For homework I challenged Mike to come up with an ideal job description for himself.  He is not to consider training, money, location, or any “limiting” thoughts.  And I want him to be as detailed as possible.  I use a similar exercise for relationships.  Then I call it the man-plan or woman-plan.  If you are looking for a relationship rather than your ideal job, then consider the following questions - What is the ideal person you want to be with?  What are their qualities?  What are their character traits?  What do I want in the ideal mate?  Write out a paragraph and post it on your mirror or some place where you can see it and read it everyday.  To me, it is like having a song in your head and within hours you hear it on the radio.  It is not that you manifested the song, but you were attuned to the sound and recognized it when you heard it.  The man-plan, woman-plan, or job description works the same way.  How many opportunities have you missed because you were not conscious of what you wanted?  Starting today, you can be aware of what you want and you can get it.  The Universe will conspire with you.

“All stress and unhappiness come from believing and valuing one thing and finding yourself doing another.”  Brian Tracy

Mike and I discussed values again this week.  Knowing and honoring your values are important to your happiness. 

Every human endeavor has its basics that you need to know in order to be proficient and successful.  In basketball it’s dribbling, passing, shooting and ball handling.  In football it’s blocking and tackling, both of which are dependent on the player having the proper stance.  In music, it’s knowing the chords, keys, and notes.  Every great coach and teacher drills these fundamentals into their students until they become second nature.  The same is true for life coaching.  Understanding your values and honoring them needs to become second nature to you.

Mike’s top values are independence, contribution, family/teamwork, challenges, and integrity.  If you have been following our coaching sessions, you will notice how much more confident and happy Mike is as he brings his job search in alignment with these values.  He is now looking at doing some consulting and maybe purchasing a franchise.  Both give him independence, both allow him to contribute to the well-being of others, both are based on teamwork, and both are challenging.  Mike’s integrity to himself is demonstrated by his choosing something he wants to do, rather than doing what others think is good for him.

An audio version of the whole coaching session is at the end of this blog.  For those of you who have been following these sessions, please feel free to send me your comments and recommendations.

As for me, I went for a walk yesterday.  While that may seem to be an odd interjection, it is about my values.  The past few days I have been getting progressively grumpier.  I “forgot” that one of my values is health and fitness.  I was not honoring that and I was in a state of discomfort, and it manifested in my being annoyed by everything.  After the walk, I felt better, not just physically, but also because I was honoring one of my values.  Now I am my old happy, friendly, loving self.

Are you feeling out of sorts, do you sense that something is missing in your life, or are you having difficulties in your relationships?  Look at your values.  How are you honoring them?  Not sure what your values are?  At the end of this blog there is a Values Clarification Questionnaire designed by Suzanne Damberg.  She is one of the staff Life Coaches at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.

How important are values?  Read the following:

This is what the Coaches Training Institute teaches about values:

Values are who we are!  Expressed in our thought, word, and deed.  Our actions never contradict our values.  Your values guide your decisions and behavior and can bring you mental and emotional freedom: The degree to which you honor your values is the degree to which you gain fulfillment.

Here are some excerpts from Neuro-Linquistics Programming about values:

Values are supremely important!  They are the measuring sticks of life.  What we value determines what life means to us, what action we will take, what we will move toward or away from.
When people become disconnected from their values, they lose their motivation.
All of our goals, dreams, and desires are simply the vehicles for fulfilling our values.

Values Clarification Questionnaire

1. Who are your heroes or heroines, past or present, real or fictional, that you look up to? What are the qualities they have that you admire?

2. What is your favorite film or play? Is there a particular character that you relate to? What are the qualities that you like?

3. What absolutely rubs you the wrong way or drives you crazy?

4. What are you obsessive about? What things do people label you with (i.e. “controlling”, “attention-getter”)? Or what do they tease you about?

5. What is the compliment or acknowledgement you most hear about yourself?

6. What words describe you at your best?

7. What words describe you when you are less than at your best?

8. Choose two or three moments in your life that you hold as true “peak experiences.” 
• What were they? 
• What was happening?
• Who was present and what was going on?
• What made these moments so special?

Moment 1 –
Moment 2 –
Moment 3 –
9. What about times when you were frustrated or angry or upset?

10. What must you have in your life to feel fulfilled? (i.e. creative expression, adventure, success, natural beauty) Without which, you feel like a part of you has died?

11. If you could devote your life to serving others – and still have the money and lifestyle you need – would you do it? What would it look like?

In questions 3, 4, 7, and 9, change any negative qualities into positive ones.  For instance, if you are angry about injustice, then justice is a value of yours.  Go over your answers and circle the words that are values.  Now go over your circled values and choose your top 10 and write a 2 or 3 sentence definition of each one.  What did you learn?  How do you feel about your values?

If you would like to be coached on your values, please contact Suzanne Damberg at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), Sandy Grove at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), or me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).  Sandy is also a Staff Life Coach at the Omega Institute.  Both Suzanne and Sandy are Coaches Training Institute Certified Coaches.

Mike and I did not have a coaching session this week, but we will resume the downloadable podcasts next week.

Here are two simple steps for improving your self-esteem.

First, ask for what you want.  How do you know if you are not asking for what you want?  One way is to look at what you are complaining about.  A complaint is simply an un-communicated request.  You are not asking for what you want, and you know what that is.  Make a list of 10 “complaints” you have, then beside each one, write your un-communicated request.  I am very interested in this technique, so please send me your sentences and tell me how it worked for you. 
Here are some examples:
What is wrong with that waitress, she hasn’t brought the check.

Uncommunicated request: Waitress may I have the check please?

I never get any time off from work. 

Uncommunicated request: Boss, may I have a day off?

That damn dog barks every night. 

Uncommunicated request: Neighbor, could you do something about your dog barking at night?

They play the music so loud here I can’t talk with my friends. 

Uncommunicated request: Could you please turn down the music?

Second, take responsibility for what you are doing in your life.  Are there things you “have to” do in your life?  Do you say things like; I have to work?  I have to pay taxes?  I have to study for an exam?  I have to (fill in the blank).  We use the “have to” phrase because in that moment we don’t see any options, and at the same time you know that there are always options.  Try this exercise I got from Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communications.  Instead of saying I have to, replace it with I choose to and why you want to make that choice – Here are some examples:

Instead of, I have to work, say I choose to go to work because I want to have money to live on. 
Instead of, I have to pay taxes, say I choose to pay my taxes because I want to contribute to my community.
Instead of, I have to study for this exam, say I choose to study for this exam because I want a good grade, or, alternatively, because I want to stay in school and get my degree.

When you say “I choose” and “I want” you are taking charge of your life.  You are no longer the victim of some unknown entity commonly referred to as they, them, the suits, the government, or any other name.  I know you get the idea.  Try it; how does it feel to you?  Again, please send me your sentences, and tell me what you learned. 

You are responsible for your life, and all the decisions you have made that have gotten you where you are today.  You are doing a magnificent job, keep it up.

Just be sure every step you take is going in that direction, and you will get there!

Brian Tracy the motivational and business speaker, talks about two strangers meeting on the road in Greece. One of the strangers asks, “Do you know how to get to Mount Olympus?” The second guy responds, “Just make sure every step you take is towards Mount Olympus and you will get there.” That second guy was Socrates.

Mike rewrote his Life Purpose statement as follows:
“I am the wet stone against which others sharpen themselves.”

This is the impact that Mike has naturally in the world.  He told me that this week he was doing yard work and that the neighbors thanked him and started doing their own work.  Mike said that he didn’t intend to be a role model or to guilt trip others into doing what he was doing, they just “naturally” responded to his efforts.  This is exactly what Mike’s Life Purpose statement says.  I asked Mike what got in the way of his accepting his role as neighborhood role model, and he again mentioned his limiting belief that he was responsible for the results of those he influenced or led.  The use of the phrase “…others sharpen themselves” frees Mike to be more of a leader and role model and therefore affect the lives of more people.

What does knowing your natural impact do for you?  When we first started coaching Mike said that he liked to challenge himself and others.  He said that knowing his Life Purpose takes the words “challenging others” out of the equation and he now knows that “I only have to be who I am.”  Imagine living your life knowing that?

I asked Mike to think about his Life Purpose this week, and to consider it when he is making decisions.  When making choices I want him to think about which one is supported by his Life Purpose?

What is your Life Purpose?  How can knowing it affect your life?  Think about how you can use it to help you make decisions and to help you live a more fulfilled life.  How do you live Life Purpose; “just be sure every step you take is going in that direction and you will get there.”

Next we talked about the Gremlin, the saboteur, the inner critic.  The voice we all have that wants to keep us where we are.  While the voices intent may be good, it limits us from being fulfilled.  It keeps us from growing and achieving a what we want.  For Mike his gremlin appears when an unfamiliar situation comes up, and he has some self doubts about his abilities.  How can you find yours?  What did you say to yourself that last time you “made a mistake” or were in a challenging situation?  Did you hear something like, “I am stupid,” or “I never do anything right”  or “you can’t do that.” That is your saboteur.

Here are some techniques for working with your gremlin:

Put “I am having the thought that” in front of the words.  For instance, you would say, “I am having the thought that I am stupid.”  Using the introductory phrase will take some of the sting out of the words.

Locate the voice in reference to your body.  Now slowly move it to your throat area.  What happens to the impact of the words?

Give the voice a name.  Mike called his “Second Guessing.”

Acknowledge the Gremlin, and know that you have a choice.  You can listen to it, or you can do WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!

Finally, recognize that we all have a Gremlin, even me.  It uses words from our past, words of parents, guardians, friends, and/or teachers.  If you take time to analyze the words, you will not find any evidence to support them. 

I asked Mike to listen for his Gremlin this week, and to try the above techniques.  I ask you to do the same, and email me about your experience.  How did it work for you?