Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

This weekend Elizabeth and I were at The Lodge at Woodloch in Hawley, Pennsylvania.  We taught classes and had one-on-one private sessions.  Saturday night we facilitated a one hour workshop together on symbolism, and signs. 

In “The Alchemist” Paulo Coelho talks about symbolism and signs.  He says, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” While there is a negative connotation with the word conspires, it does denote working together.  And working together with the universe means deciding what you want, taking action and then looking for signs.  Signs are the feedback that you use to adjust your course of action.  A sailboat is a perfect example.  The Captain decides where he wants to go, and sets his course in that direction.  Once he sets sail, however, the winds and the seas will influence the direction of the boat. The Captain working together with these elements, the signs - his feedback, will adjust his sails and rudder in order to reach his destiny. 

There is a scene in “The Man with Two Brains” with Steve Martin that explains some people’s reactions to signs.  Before his wife died Steve Martin’s character told her that he would never date again.  After she passed away, however, he met a woman and wanted his dead wife’s permission to date her.  Standing in front of an oil painting of his wife he implored her to give him a sign if she did not approve of the woman he planned to date.  There was thunder, the wall split, and the painting twirled around.  Steve stood there and calmly asked again that if there is anything wrong with him dating please give a sign.  We sometimes don’t read the signs, especially ones that don’t support what we want to do. 

Elizabeth and I have three sets of cards we used in the class.  The first one I drew from the Devil Cards, was Death.  Then I drew an Angel Card and got Gratitude.  Finally, I drew one of my Inquiry Cards and received – What is it to live life fully? 
Here is how I interpreted these three cards:

A lot of us say we are at our best when we have deadlines.  Most of us got through school by writing reports or studying for exams the night before because we felt we could focus better then and be at our best.  We were stimulated by the deadline, and normally grateful for the grade we received.  Death is the ultimate deadline, and we don’t know when it will be.  To me the Gratitude Card was recognition of the value of “living life fully”, every day, as if it was our last one.  I needed the reminder.

What is it to live life fully?  What is the Universe telling you?  Are there signs you are not seeing?

Here is a beautiful poem by Mary Oliver:

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

Back on May 10th I posted a blog called “Improve Your Self Esteem Today.”  Here is part of that blog:

First, ask for what you want.  How do you know if you are not asking for what you want?  One way is to look at what you are complaining about.  A complaint is simply an un-communicated request.  You are not asking for what you want, and you truly know what that is.  Make a list of 10 “complaints” you have.  Then beside each one, write your un-communicated request.
Here are some examples:
I never get any time off from work. 
    Un-communicated request: Boss, may I have a day off?
That damn dog barks every night. 
    Un-communicated request: Neighbor, could you do something about your dog barking at night?
They play the music so loud here I can’t talk with my friends. 
    Un-communicated request: Could you please turn down the music?

Did you do the exercise?  What complaints did you have?  What were your requests?  Did you take action?

I also have been using this exercise in my private coaching practice.  Here is one response I received:

“Here I am the night before our session determined to send you some sort of list.  Each time I begin a list in my head, I seem to see how ridiculous the complaint is and that it isn’t really a complaint at all but rather my unwillingness or inability to see my contribution to the complaint.  That I have actually chosen to hold onto the complaint rather than moving through it!  Once I see it in black and white, I see my part and realize what I need to shift.  As I sat to write the complaints that I had toward others, they began to dissolve as I began to see my contribution to holding on to the complaint!  So, now my list of complaints has turned away from others and is focused toward me, yikes!”  Suzanne Lynn.

What a powerful and eloquently written statement.  We call those “aha” moments in coaching.  I asked Suzanne’s permission to use this because I could not have said it any better.  Everything that occurs in your life comes from you.  You are complicit in the events of your life and when you want something or someone to change; you need to change yourself first. Thank you Suzanne.

“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”  T. S. Eliot

I often tell people, “I am a boy from a small town in Western Pennsylvania.”  I am really proud of my origins.  New Castle, Pennsylvania was an industrial town of about 44,000 people when I lived there in the early 60’s.  I left to go to college and then I joined the Marine Corps.  During those years my town shrunk to about 24,000.  The steel mills shut down in Pittsburgh and the machine shops in New Castle quickly followed suit:  Mesta, Johnson Bronze, two Rockwell Standards, and others.  Previously the Shenango Pottery had closed.  President Johnson chose Shenango Pottery for a set of White House dishes.  The last time I checked the hospital system is now the largest employer in the city and in Lawrence County.

I still enjoy going back home.  My values and my beliefs were formed there, and they have served me well over the years.  While in the Marine Corps for 26 years, I travelled throughout the Pacific:  Vietnam, Okinawa, Singapore, Japan, the Philippines, Taiwan, and South Korea.  I also went to Paris and London, and lived up and down the East Coast of the United States.  I chose the Marine Corps as a career because its values were aligned with my personal values.

After I retired, I languished for about 1 ½ years.  In 1993, during my third trip to Phil Jackson’s Beyond Basketball workshop at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, two friends recommended that I work at Omega.  I got an application and started in Campus Support in July 1994.  I was there about a week when a friend, Rich Warren, asked me how I was doing.  I said, “If I got any happier, I would burst.”

I arrived at Omega as a 50 year old retired Marine Lieutenant Colonel, and nobody cared about either of those things.  They accepted me as I was in that moment.  Wow!  That “acceptance” or in terms of Omega’s Values, Welcoming, drew me back to Omega for 15 years.  Every year I went back, I felt like I was coming home.  Even now when I visit, I feel like it is my home.

Ironically, I still feel the same way about the Marine Corps and my hometown.  As I look at my values and the values of all three places, I see congruence.  Here are Omega’s:  Service, Integrity, Simplicity, Accountability, Sustainability, Teamwork, Holistic, and Welcoming.  The defining core values of the Marine Corps are:  Honor, Courage, Commitment.  I don’t know if New Castle has a list of values, but I think that they would be:  Hard Work, Family, Honesty.

A few weeks ago I put a Values Clarification questionnaire in my blog.  Did you do the exercise?  Do you know what your values are?  Do the company you work for and your friends have the same values as you?  Are you happy right now?  If you are not, take a look at the alignment of your values with your work and those around you.  What is missing?  Where are you on your “exploration?” 

“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life… and that is why I succeed.”  Michael Jordan

“A heavily guarded Bob* Harper hit a 22 foot turnaround jumper with 2 seconds remaining in double overtime to win the game.”– This appeared in a 1975 Woodbridge, Virginia newspaper. I still have a laminated copy of the article. That moment is what every boy dreams about when shooting baskets by himself, and I must have practiced that shot a 1000 times over the years.  However, what the article did not say was that I failed to make the last shot at the end of regulation and at the end of the first overtime. 

What is failure?  Where in your life have you failed?  What did you learn from that experience?  Ironically, I can honestly say that missing the two previous “game winners” gave me the confidence to try again.  Maybe I was counting on the law of averages, but when we took a time out with only two seconds remaining, I told my teammates that I would make it.  And I did.

To put failure in perspective here is the rest of Michael Jordan’s quote:  “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost more than 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life… and that is why I succeed”. 

I have always loved and played sports.  While they are truly only games, the life skills are transferrable to “real” life.  Here are some things I learned along the way:

Teamwork, Commitment, Trust, Practice, Perseverance, Patience

Basketball is also how I became connected to the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.  Phil Jackson used to run a workshop there called, “Beyond Basketball,”  and I started going to it in September 1991.  Phil is sometimes called the Zen Master for his unique approach to coaching.  His workshop was a combination of basketball and life skills, and one of his favorite sayings was, “does basketball imitate life, or does life imitate basketball?”

Our failures sometimes cause us to be blocked by the fear of failure.  And what does that mean?  It means that we are unsure if we have learned and grown from our past experiences.  Normally, this occurs because we haven’t taken the time to learn from our mistakes, and believe that there is only one outcome – failure.  This is the time when your saboteur is at his or her best.  She/he reminds you of every shortcoming you have, and takes no notice of your successes.  What did you say to yourself the last time you “failed?”  How did that affect you?  What would you have liked to have said to yourself?

Two ways to counter your saboteur is to learn from your mistakes, and to create a list of your successes.  When your saboteur tells you that you cannot do something, think about what you have learned from your “failures”, and focus on your successes. 

Remember even learning, or rather relearning, these skills take commitment and practice.  Keep in mind that getting what you want will take perseverance, patience, and probably more than a week.  And, always, always trust the Universe!  She is on your team.

*My given name is Robert.  In July 1994, at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, I started being called, Win.  That is a story for another day.

If the why is big enough, the how isn’t a problem
Denis Waitley, author and motivational speaker

The Leave it to Cleaver radio show is temporarily off the air.  I am still coaching Mike, but for the now I am not going to use those sessions as the focus of my blog.

I have several ‘gurus’ that I read and listen to on a regular basis.  I have already mentioned Brian Tracy many times , but I am also inspired by Denis Waitley.  In 1980 I bought his “Psychology of Winning” tape series, and over the years I have listened to each of the tapes 100s of times.  Yes, I am serious, 100s of times.  I use to have them in my car and would listen to one side for a week going to and from work.  The next week I would play the other side.  When I finished the series, I would start over again. These types of programs are designed to be listened to at least 6 times in order to embed them in your being.  For me, Denis Waitley’s message came to me at the right time in my life.

Recently, as I was surfing the internet for coaching stories and information, I found the following and wanted to share it with you.

An excerpt from Denis Waitley’s’ book “The Psychology of Motivation.”

“I have a suitcase for you. In that suitcase there is $1 million in cash. The suitcase is sitting in a building that is about an hour’s drive from where you are now.

Here is the deal: All you have to do is get to this building in the next two hours. If you get there before the end of the two hours, I will hand you the suitcase, and you will be a million dollars richer.

There is one catch, however. If you are even one second late, our deal is off, and you will not get a dime. No exceptions! With that in mind, what time would you like to leave?

Most people would respond to that scenario by saying that they would leave right now. Wouldn’t you?

So off you go. You jump into your car and start driving for the building. You are excited and are already starting to plan how you are going to spend your million dollars. Then, suddenly, the traffic comes to a complete stop. You turn on the radio and find that there has been a series of freak accidents between you and the building and there is no way to get there!

Now what would you do? Would you give up and go back home? Or would you get out of your car and walk, run, hire a helicopter, or find some other way of getting to the building on time?

Now let’s suppose for a minute that you are driving to an appointment at your dentist’s office. The traffic again comes to a stop. Amazingly, there have been freak accidents between you and your dentist’s office. What would you do then? Probably give up, go home, and reschedule!

What is the difference between these two situations? It all comes down to why. If the why is big enough, the how is usually not a problem. This compelling why is connected to your personal objectives, mission statement, or magnificent obsessions. It is the basis of your motivational support beam. Truly motivated people are able to identify and tap into the power of a compelling why in everything they do.”

What does this story mean to you?  What did you learn from reading it?  What is your magnificent obsession?  What is your COMPELLING WHY?  What is your next step?

On May 23rd I was on Karen Paulino’s radio show, Heaven on Earth.  I have added the audio of that interview at the bottom of this page.