Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

My Life Purpose:  I am the round table at which the community gathers to nourish itself.

This past week my life was full, and I was reminded once again that when you are living your life purpose, life flows. 

Sunday August 23rd, I taught a one hour class to Omega Guests at the Ram Dass Library; Monday and Tuesday, I facilitated my Fulfillment Workshop to Omega Staff Members; and Wednesday, Elizabeth and I talked to the Omega Staff during the weekly Sanctuary Hour.  On Saturday, we went to a friends’ son’s wedding. 

I was at my best this past week. I enjoyed connecting with Omega’s guests on Sunday.  Tuesday, following the Fulfillment Workshop I cried.  The tears were of joy, sadness, and appreciation.  I felt like I was in the presence of greatness as each participant allowed themselves to be seen and vulnerable.  They opened up and gave themselves permission to be their most powerful selves.  Wednesday was an honor for Elizabeth and I.  Omega has been an important part of my life for the past 15 years, and the Sanctuary Hour provided me an opportunity to say thanks, again.

At the wedding, a gathering of friends and family, the best man gave a wonderful toast to the groom, his best friend since kindergarten.  It was a heartfelt tribute to friendship and love, but one line in particular struck me.  He said that he looked forward to the day when the two of them could introduce their grandchildren to each other.  Tears welled up in my eyes as this 30 year old man eloquently defined what friendships and love mean.  In that moment I felt the timelessness of life.  An often quoted saying goes, I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future.  With young men and women such as the ones I met this week at Omega and at this wedding, I believe we are in good shape.

Ironically, a term I laugh at, I saw the following story on a coaching forum I read daily.

The Holy Man

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, ‘Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.’

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew that smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly, appearing to be famished. They held spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms, so each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.

Because the handle was longer than their arms they could not get the spoons into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, ‘You have seen Hell. Then they went to the next room and He opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew that made the holy man’s mouth water.

The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, talking and laughing.

The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.

‘It is simple,’ said the Lord. ‘It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other.

Whereas, the fearful think only of themselves.’

This week’s challenge is to remember those you have “learned to feed”, and those who have fed you.  Take a moment and tell those who have nourished you what a difference they have made in your life.

A rainy Sunday morning and I am drinking my coffee and pondering.  A friend of mine recently told me that his grandfather would say, “Never let the weather determine your day.”  I have a hard time remembering that on days like this.  Yesterday was the same, and I spent an inordinate amount of time on the computer researching almost ever aspect of home building.  That was fun and educational, and I have a long list of ideas.  Now, I need to spend an inordinate amount of time looking at our budget.

I also prepared for my classes this week. Tonight, I am talking at the Ram Dass Library at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. Tomorrow and Tuesday, I teach the Omega staff about Fulfillment.  Wednesday, Elizabeth and I are talking to the Omega Staff at the weekly Sanctuary Hour.

Today my pondering reminds me how much I like words.  And, I like to use them effectively, and sometimes creatively.  For instance, I believe that we can humanize our view of life if we pause and look at it through our human eyes.  I have said before, when you feel like you are nowhere think instead that you are now here.  Someone once said in one of my classes that if you add an apostrophe to impossible you learn that I’m possible. Do you have other examples?

Words are very important in my coaching. For instance, when I talk with couples I ask each of them individually to define what commitment means to them.  One time, the first person said, “Commitment means that I will never sleep with another person, and that I will spend the rest of my life with this one person.”  The second said, “Commitment means that I can feel safe, be vulnerable, and I can develop a deeper and more profound relationship with this one person.”  Hmmm, what is your definition?

Commitment is a prized value, and as the above story shows our definition of a value impacts how we live our lives.  I believe that two other important values are courage and freedom.  Courage is probably understood by everyone, and is the key to honoring our other values.  Freedom is one of those words that has different denotations and connotations for individuals.  For instance, does your definition of Freedom support your definition of Commitment?  Or do you use your concept of Freedom as a reason not to make Commitments?  Are they mutually exclusive to you?

I have coached individuals whose definition of success kept them from being successful or even recognizing that they already were.  Part of my value clarification process is for the individual to define each value in their own terms.  Similarily, when I ask people what abundance means to them, they get great insight into where they are.  What is abundance for you?

Thanks for listening.  You may not be on the rainy East Coast of the United States.  You may be in a weather wonderland, but give yourself permission to spend some time pondering.
I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was going to start a newsletter in September.  I am delaying that until January.

I am reading “Learned Optimism” by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D.  The book demonstrates that optimism is essential for a healthy and successful life.  While a bit academic every one looking to improve their lives needs to read it.  Chapter 12 is about Changing from Pessimism to Optimism, and is an essential skill for a coach.

A pessimist explains events in personal, permanent, and pervasive terms.  For example, an individual who receives a bad grade in school may declare that he or she is stupid, always has been and will be, and it is in every part of this person’s life. An optimist may say that I didn’t study enough, I will study more the next time, and sees it only as a specific event in their lives.

Doctor Seligman recommends we process events using the ABC’s.  A meaning adversity, what occurred – I got a bad grade; B meaning belief – do you believe you are stupid, or that the test was hard and you didn’t study enough; and C meaning consequences – how did you feel or what did you do.

While pessimists may have a more realistic view of life, they tend to not take action.  The doctor calls this “learned helplessness.”  An optimist may be a bit naïve about life, but they take action and live happier and healthier lives.

In coaching, the voice that tells you that you are “stupid” is called your Saboteur, or your Gremlin.  This is the voice inside you that wants to keep you at your status quo, regardless of how unfulfilling that is to you.  A coach will recognize this immediately and ask questions to help you access your resources and see other perspectives. 

In the grade example above, a coach would ask you what did you say to yourself when you received your C?  One reply could be, “I am so stupid.”  The coach will not allow you to beat yourself up, and may ask you, “ How does that make you feel to say that about yourself?”  The coach could then suggest that you say to yourself, “I am having the thought that I am stupid.”  “How does that feel?  Does that make a difference?”  Another approach the coach might take is to help you dispute the statement.  “What evidence do you have that you are stupid?” “ My grade!”  “What is another perspective on the grade?”  You might reply that the test was very difficult, most of the class got a poor grade, I didn’t study enough or didn’t understand the material, or I was tired because I stayed up late the night before.  The coach could then ask you, “What action are you willing to take to prevent this in the future?”

A good coach is your champion and cheerleader, and not your enabler.!  A good coach believes in you and knows, maybe more than you do, that you are better than you think you are.  Having a coach ask you questions teaches you to see different perspectives and create more choices in your life.  A good coach is curious about you, your life, and your choices, and will ask you in a non-judgmental manner what is going on, and what did you take into consideration when you made that choice.

A good coach will understand the realities of your life, and help you access the resources within you so you can live a more fulfilled life.

A good coach will help you to move from pessimism to optimism.

If you are ready, I am a good coach.
 

A traveler came upon a group of three hard-at-work stonemasons, and asked each in turn what he was doing.
The first said, “I am sanding down this block of marble.”
The second said, “I am preparing a foundation.”
The third said, “I am building a cathedral.”

I could not find the source for this often repeated story, but I use it in my life and leadership coaching.  The three men are doing the same job, and each has a different perspective and attitude about it.  Which one do you think is the happiest?  Reread the story and really feel what the three men are saying.  What happens inside you?

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea…”
Antoine de Saint Exupery

To be inspired we need to be part of some purpose greater than ourselves.  That is one reason I loved working at Omega.  There I did “yearn for the vast and endless sea…”  And, I felt the same way about serving my country in the Marine Corps. 

I am reading, “Listening is an Act of Love” from the Storycorps Project.  The book is interview transcripts of everyday people telling their stories, and they are inspiring .  One man was a steelworker from Pittsburgh and he talked about being a steel man in almost mythical terms.  His father had been a steel man, and he wanted to be one also.  He describes his “calling” in words that let you know he is building a “cathedral.”

How many of us are building a cathedral?  We read, watch, and listen to our stars and hero’s stories; how they overcame incredible odds and obstacles to become successful and admired by millions.  However, when we compare ourselves to these individuals, we diminish our own accomplishments.  We discount our own hero’s journey, our own compelling destiny, our own magnificent story.

How would you describe your life?  Are you building a “cathedral”?  What gets in the way of you recognizing and acknowledging that?  What does it feel like to know that you are building a “cathedral?”  Do you “yearn for the vast and endless sea..?”  Listening IS an act of love, and at the same time knowing and telling your own magnificent story is also an act of love.

This weekend a high school friend and football teammate Kellen McClendon sent me this picture.  It was taken in the spring of 1968.  Kellen was stationed in Tokyo with the Air Force and I met him there during my R&R from Vietnam.
 
Interestingly, last year a college friend of mine, Bill Silva, gave me a stack of letters I mailed to him while I was in Vietnam.  I was deeply moved and excited.  That night I read each cherished letter carefully.  I wanted to see who I was in 1967-68.  I didn’t discover much.  The letters seemed to simply be from one 23 year old young man to another.

I remember when I returned from Vietnam, I visited another high school friend in San Jose, CA.  She held a welcome home dinner for me at her apartment.  There was a banner, and two of her roommates helped us celebrate my safe homecoming.  I was surprised, but didn’t know how to respond.  I remember being uncomfortable, and at one point stepping outside because I began to sweat profusely.

I think we responses are learned.  We mimic what we see our parents, friends, or movie, sports, or TV stars do.  I think we learn to respond not from who we are, but from who we want to be.  I know I did because when I was young I was not sure who I was, or who I wanted to be.  And if I did not know who I wanted to be, I was lost. I didn’t trust myself to be myself.

I learned acceptance at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies in the summer of 1994.  I arrived there a 50 year old, retired Marine Lieutenant Colonel and nobody cared.  Nobody cared about how old I was, or what I had done, or what roles I had filled in my life.  I was accepted for who I was in the moment.  The realization that I did not have to be what I thought other’s wanted me to be, freed me to be ME.

My first workshop at Omega reinforced that new experience.  David Whyte’s poetry class re-introduced me to myself, and the wonderful world of his and Mary Oliver’s poetry.  I arrived at Omega in July 1994 as Bob Harper, and left there in October 1994 as Win Harper.  I said in a previous Blog that the Spanish say– me llamo Win – literally, I am called Win, not I am Win.  I changed my name with the encouragement of other Omega staff members because I thought it related to my genealogical work, but I now know that it was because I had changed.  Win represents who I am today, symbolizing the re-discovering of myself, and celebrating that transformation.

Satchel Paige once asked, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”  I ask you, “Who would you be if you didn’t know who you are?”