Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

I got my “A” because I trusted myself this year.  I listened to my intuition and did the things that enhanced my life, and asked for what I wanted to have my needs met.

I learned a new language this year:  Nonviolent Communication, a language of life.  I am not yet fluent in it, and at the same time, I am identifying and expressing my feelings and connecting those feelings with my met or unmet needs.  Much like learning any foreign language, it required practice and patience on my part, and empathy for those who did not at first understand my inelegant expression and use of the words and sentences.  And like when you learn the language of a foreign country you are visiting, my efforts were appreciated by those I talked with. I also used my new language in my coaching, and helped others learn how to express themselves better and to have healthier relationships.

I am in the best physical shape I have been in years.  I started the year going to Zumba exercise classes three times a week at the local Y.M.C.A., and in January I had a personal trainer design a workout for me.  I am also began playing basketball again.

I continued to study coaching and leadership.  I re-read, “Irresistible Communications”, “Nonviolent Communications”, and “Leadership and Self-Deception.”  I read, “The What’s of Management”, “You are What You Say”, “Restore Yourself”, “Leading with Questions”, “Loving with Intention”, and “The Leadership Challenge.”  I also took a couple of tele-seminar classes, and listened to coaching skills classes podcasts.  I talked on the phone twice a month with Suzanne Damberg and Sandy Grove, The Coaching Roundtable, and that provided support, learning, and connection for the three of us.

In 2010 I re-committed myself to being the best coach I could be, and through a concerted marketing effort that included radio shows, articles, teaching, and advertising, I had the maximum number of clients I want – 10.  I coached individuals and groups in person, on the telephone, and via Skype.  I faithfully wrote my weekly blog. I taught workshops on Life Purpose, Fulfillment, and Leadership at several venues.  Elizabeth and I also taught together, and our “Future Gifts for the Present Moment” sessions were highly successful.  Both of us continue to contribute to the individuals we work with, and to the community as a whole.

Our home was completed in April and we have settled into the Canandaigua, New York community.  I volunteer at the Veterans Hospital and teach a coaching course at the Finger Lakes Community College.

This past year has provided me a better sense of who I am, what I do, and how my behavior impacts others.  My listening skills and empathy have allowed me to appreciate life more and to be more present.  I am my authentic self, doing what I love to do, and contributing to the well-being of others and the world.  I love this guy.

If you would like to do this exercise, please contact me through my website and I will send it to you.

I hope 2010 is the best year of your life; that you honor your values and live your life purpose.  That your life is fulfilled, and you are at peace with who you are and how you contribute.  To paraphrase a Home Depot slogan, “You can do it, I can help!”

Last year I did the “Give Yourself an A” exercise.  Here is my year end evaluation.

“I got my “A” in 2009 because I knew what I wanted and I did it. 
I took care of myself physically.  I finally got down to 180 pounds and stayed there.  I worked out 3 to 4 times a week at the gym or I walked 4 – 8 miles, and I watched what I ate.”

No, I did not get down to 180 pounds.  I did walk 4 miles and went to the gym 2-3 times a week while we were in Mexico.  I watched my food intake and used an on-line calorie counter for 2 months,  Elizabeth and I have joined the local YMCA, and we go to Zumba exercise classes three times a week, and I occasionally go there to play basketball.  While I did not reach my weight goal, I learned about calories and got into better shape.

“Professionally, I took two coaching workshops, and participated in a biweekly “Coaching Roundtable” with Suzanne Damberg and Sandy Grove.  I listened to motivational and life coaching CDs and Podcasts, and read books and articles about life coaching and leadership.  I taught Life and Leadership coaching workshops at Aviana in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania; at Journeys of Life in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; and at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, in Rhinebeck, New York.  Elizabeth and I also co-facilitated our “Insight and Intuition” workshop at Omega in August.  I coached people one-on-one in person and on the telephone.”

I took a NonViolent Communications tele-seminar:  Coaching from the Heart.  In addition to reading most of Marshall Rosenberg’s books on Non-Violent Communications, I read Leadership and Self-deception and Irresistible Communications.  I now have my own Life Coach and I talk with other coaches at least twice a month.  I did a lot of teaching and coaching this year, and have improved my skills, especially my presence, my listening and my empathy. 

“I continued to learn more Spanish and now feel comfortable when talking with local Mexicans.”

We lived in Mexico for 6 months this past year, and while I did not attain fluency, my efforts to learn the language help me to connect to Spanish speakers more authentically.

“I reestablished my relationship with my daughter, Traci.”

This is an on going project in which I have made some unilateral progress.  My studying of NVC and reading of “Leadership and Self-Deception” has given me insights into how the relationship got to where it is, and ways to re-establish a connection.  I have also been talking with my Life Coach about this issue.

“Elizabeth and I grew closer.  Our commitment to each other and to our work together deepened our mutual understanding, and we have become better as a couple, and as teachers and healers.”

Our building of a home in Canandaigua and our teaching together have been exciting and bonding.  We developed a new session together called:  Future Gifts for the Present Moment. We are establishing ourselves in the local community and are settling down.  Through this process we have become closer.

“In 2009, I liberated myself from my fears: my fear of success, my fear of failure, and my fear of simply being myself.  By consciously choosing to be the observer and participant in my life, I was able to “be, here, now.”  That allowed me to listen better, to be more curious, and to trust myself in the moment.  I became more comfortable being me, and therefore a better partner in all of my relationships.”

This is an area where I feel I really earned my A.  All the work I mentioned in the previous paragraphs; the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual growth this year has been the basis of who I am as a person.  I am more authentic because I know and trust myself more, and I have better communication skills.

“This past year I realized What’s Important Now for me, and I became a kinder, gentler person.  With this renewed sense of self, I began to see opportunities in situations where previously I only looked for solutions.  I chose to move towards what I wanted rather than choosing to move away from what I didn’t want.”

YES!

“In 2009, I focused on living and doing what I believe and teach, and in the process I lived a more authentic and fulfilled life. Knowing and honoring my values and living my life purpose helped me to make a difference in my life and in the lives of others.”

With my efforts this year, I have become a better person.  There is still plenty of room for growth, and this week I am going to do the “Give Yourself an A” exercise for 2010.

“I worked hard for my “A” and I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become this year.” 

Another big YES!

How did you do?  Who are you today?  For those of you who did the exercise in 2009, I would love to read your self- evaluation.  Those of you who want to do the exercise for 2010, please contact me through my website and I will email it to you.

Clarence: Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?  Memorable quote from “It’s a Wonderful Life”

I watched the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” this past weekend.  I love that movie for its timeless message, and it provides a great coaching moment.  George Bailey did not recognize or appreciate the impact he had on others’ lives.  Do you recognize or appreciate yours?  Do you know what your impact is?

In coaching we say that the impact you naturally create in the world is your “Life Purpose”, and when you are living your Life Purpose you are fulfilled and making a difference.  I use two techniques for helping my clients discovering their impact.

First, I use a Tony Robbins’ exercise that starts with me asking the client, “When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?” For me, I wanted to be a cowboy, Hopalong Cassidy to be specific.  I wasn’t going to be one of those singing cowboys like Gene Autry or Roy Rogers.  Then I ask the client, “What impact did you want to have?”  What was the impact I wanted to have on others as a cowboy?  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to defend those who couldn’t defend themselves.  I didn’t become a cowboy, and at the same time I joined the Marine Corps and served my country for 26 years defending those who could not defend themselves.  I also wanted to be a salesman, like my dad.  What was the impact I wanted to have as a salesman?  Well to me, at its noblest, sales is about helping people get what they want.  I didn’t become a salesman, and at the same time as a life coach I am helping people get what they want.

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?  What impact did you want to have by being that?

Second, I have a series of visualizations and exercises I use with my clients that generate impressions and allow them to gather insights into the impact they naturally have on others.  After the visualizations and exercises, I coach them on what they came up with.  We look for patterns and key words.  In one hour, we have a draft of the client’s “Life Purpose Statement.”

My Life Purpose , the natural impact I want to have, and my careers have been aligned, and I have lived a fulfilled life.

Your Life Purpose is your life legacy.  What will you leave behind?  What difference will you make in the lives of those you touch?  Answer those questions and start living your “Wonderful Life” now.

That is the usual answer to the question “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”  When I was growing up I was told that the only way to succeed was practice, practice, practice.  And I diligently followed that advice, spending hours at the local outdoor basketball court, day and night.  In the winter, I shoveled snow off the asphalt in order to play.  The skin on my fingers would occasionally split from the cold.  I did get better, but slowly.

In 1976 I read Maxwell Maltz’s, Psycho-Cybernetics” and later I listened to Denis Waitley’s “Psychology of Winning” and I began to understand the power of imagination.  Elizabeth uses the following example in her book, “Wishing”:

Many years ago there was a university study that was performed to assess the power of visualization’s affect on sports performance. There were three groups and each group was assigned the task of shooting a basketball into a hoop. Everyone’s ability was measured initially. The first group shot baskets on a regular schedule. The second group practiced shooting while visualizing each shot as successful and with as much detail as possible. Finally, the third group simply visualized a successful shot. The outcome was as follows:
• The second group improved the most—24 percent better—when they combined actual shooting practice and visualization.
• The third group—that just visualized shooting baskets—followed up second, with a 23 percent improvement.
• The first group that just shot baskets recorded no change.

How does this work.  Well, the body really doesn’t recognize the difference between reality and something vividly imagined.  Think of a time when you were walking around at night and heard a strange rustling noise.  Maybe your first thought was a wild animal, a bear; what did your body do?  Well, probably your heart started pounding, and you went into the flight or fight mode.  How did you feel when you discovered that it was only a squirrel?

In the spring of 1977, I decided to run the Marine Corps Marathon in November. Up till then I was only running 3-5 miles a day.  When I read about training for a Marathon all of the advice said that you needed to run at least 50-75 miles a week; some quick math tells you that translates into 8.3 to 12.5 miles a day if you run 6 days a week.  Moreover, I set the goal of finishing the run in less than 4 hours.  So I began increasing my daily runs and soon was running 8-10 miles a day with ease.  I was 33.  Youth helps.

I would also meditate and visualize the entire Marathon.  I would see myself at the start, loosening up and stretching, then I vividly imagined myself running, 5, 10, 15 20 miles, and finally I saw myself crossing the finish line with a smile on my face, my head up, and still running.  On November 9, 1977, I did just that, and my time was 3 hours 53 minutes and 9 seconds.

Since then I have used this technique in preparation for tough conversations, basketball games, attempting new skills, teaching classes, etc.  Professional and Olympic athletes are the masters of visualization.  When you visualize, your performance is perfect, and as you vividly imagine what you want to do, your body muscles and mind respond as if they were actually doing it.  You learn as you visualize.

What is it that you want to accomplish?  What do you want to do?  Don’t worry about the how; develop a compelling vision of yourself succeeding. Then simply Relax, Visualize, And Succeed!

Last week I talked about the values clarification exercise I did with my coach.  This week I mulled over, honed, and finally defined my values.  Then I did this exercise from my Coaching Manual:

For each of your top five values, remember a time when you fully honored that value.  Then for each value ask:
a. What defining moment epitomizes each value?
b. What is a metaphor that helps you visualize the defining moment or captures the essence of the experience?

Here are the results of my work:

1. Authenticity – being myself, saying and doing what I believe, trusting myself,  speaking up, owning my magnificence
a. When I am coaching
b. The Rock of Gibraltar

2.   Contribution – to the well-being of others through Habitat For Humanity (HFHI), coaching, donations, listening, being present
a. While working with HFHI
b. The Yin Yang Symbol

3.   Freedom – Knowing what I want; and being able to say “no” to what I don’t want, and to ask for what I do want
a. The last few years at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies
b. Sakura – the Japanese Cherry Tree

4. Simplicity – organized, uncluttered, direct in communications
a. While living in my condo after retiring, walking the Appalachian Trail, living in a tent.
b. The Lone Wolf

5. Fun – humor, laughter, being able to laugh at myself
a. Daily enjoying the mysteries and wonder of life
b. The Laughing Buddha

6. Purpose – Being a part of something bigger than myself

7. Connection – being a part of the community and having heart to heart partnerships based on trust and love

8. Teamwork – working with others for the greatest good

9. Growth – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually – reading, studying, taking classes

10. Respect – being accepted for who I am, accepting others for who they are

What are your values?  What are the defining moments for those values?  What is the metaphor that captures the essence of each of your values?