Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

I was reading Parade Magazine this past weekend because there was an article about Jennifer Garner.  I only watched “Alias” once or twice, but I loved her work in “Dude Where’s My Car?” and “13 going on 30.” 

Here is what she said in the article about a personal relationship, “I couldn’t work things out because I wasn’t able to say what I needed to say.  I didn’t have a voice.  I didn’t dare to express myself.”  And later she admits, “I didn’t know how to ask for anything that I needed,” and “I realized that I needed to be more like my character in “Alias,” who was powerful and confident and an inspiration to me.” 

The reason I am writing about this is that a lot of people have difficulty asking for what they want.  When I coach someone the first question I always ask them is, “What do you want?”  You may be surprised at the amount of silence that follows that simple question.  I remember one young lady who cried when I asked her that question.  She told me that no one had ever asked her what she wanted.  What do you want?

Many individuals say they don’t know.  Well, one way of discovering what you want is to ask yourself, “What do I complain about?”  Within every complaint there is an unspoken request.  For instance, maybe you complain about not having time off from work, or possibly you complain that your partner is not paying enough attention to you.  The simple solution is to ask for what you want.  “Boss, may I have a day off of work,” or “partner I want you to spend more time with me.”  But, let’s go a little deeper.

When you are not getting time off from work, what are you feeling?  Are you tired, frustrated, or bored?  Identify the feeling.  Then think about what need of yours is not being met.  Perhaps, you have a need for rest; fairness - others are taking time off; or recreation.  Now you can make a specific request.  It could look like this:  “Boss, I have been feeling tired lately and I am not able to work at the level I want to because I have a need for some rest and recreation.  Would you be willing to let me take next Friday off?”

When your partner is not paying enough attention to you, what are you feeling?  Are you lonely, hurt, or frustrated?  What need of yours is not being met in that situation?  Maybe, you have a need for connection, appreciation, or respect.  Again, now you can make a specific request like, “Partner, I am feeling lonely and frustrated because I have a need to connect to you and be appreciated.  Would you be willing to come home in time to have dinner with me on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at 6 PM?”

I believe that asking for what you want is a basic right of all people, and a key to living a more fulfilled life.  If you are nervous about allowing yourself to be vulnerable then think WWSBD:  What Would Sidney Bristow Do?  Sometimes a good role model can help us learn.

We finally did it!  For years I have been telling Elizabeth that we travel with too much stuff.  This past Saturday, when we returned from Mexico we carried “everything including the kitchen sink.”  Well, to be accurate, we had a bathroom sink; the one pictured here.  Since we have spent most of our winters in Playa del Carmen, we wanted to have some flavor of Mexico in our new home.  Somehow our carrying the sink on the plane “required” us to purchase first class tickets, and that is one of the costs of “carrying excess baggage.”

I served 26 years in the Marine Corps and was a logistics officer for a Marine Artillery Regiment, so I know a lot about traveling and the need to travel light.  I also worked in the parking lot at the Omega Institute for Holistic studies.  Part of that job included delivering the participant’s luggage to their housing.  In that position you develop a real sensitivity to luggage; size, amount, and quality.  Many times, at the end of a long transition day, myself and the other staff members were exhausted. 

So far I have been talking about physical baggage, but what about our emotional baggage.  What is the cost of the excess we carry?

What are two or three things you believe that are limiting you from becoming who you want to be?  I often tell myself I don’t want to market my coaching because I could get TOO many clients.  What I am really saying is that I have difficulty with boundaries and saying “No”.  Sometimes I won’t speak up because, “What difference would it make; the other person doesn’t care or doesn’t want to grow.”  What I am really doing is not getting my need to be heard and understood met, and that usually leaves me frustrated and angry.

What are you doing, saying, or thinking that is limiting you?  What one belief or behavior, if you changed it today, would make the biggest difference in your life?

Our Zumba exercise class had twice the normal attendees on Monday.  The start of a new year and I suppose people have made “resolutions” to exercise more.  Setting intentions for the year is a good idea.  In the last two blogs I talked about the evaluation of my 2009 intentions, and then I “gave myself an A” for 2010.

Rick Jarow, who teaches at the Omega Institute, uses the term ‘trajectories” in place of goals.  I like that concept.  We oftentimes beat ourselves up for not reaching our goals, when we need to celebrate the fact that we are on the right trajectory towards them. 

One of my goals for 2009 was to get my weight down to 180 pounds.  I didn’t achieve that weight, and at the same time I learned a lot about food, and started exercising more during the year.  The result is that I am feeling much better about myself.  That is a pretty good achievement.

Last year, Elizabeth and I developed a new session called, “Future Gifts for the Present Moment.”  Through guided imagery we take people 20 years into the future to visit their “Future Self.”  By developing a relationship with the future self, the wiser self, the highest self, or intuition, whatever name you want to use, you develop a sense of the continuum of time.  Or rather, you learn that life is timeless, and that hours, minutes, seconds, and years are only artificial measurements. For instance, how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Resolutions, goals, intentions, or trajectories are important.  Most people, however are only successful when they are held accountable.  That can be done with a coach, a friend, a partner, or themselves. I recently found an interesting website:  http://www.futureme.org.  Basically, you write yourself an email to be delivered to you on a future date you specify.  The idea is “based on the principle that memories are less accurate than emails.”  There are an unlimited number of uses for this site, and holding yourself accountable could be one.  Imagine receiving an email from yourself on January 1, 2011, listing what you wanted to do in 2010.  It would be a reminder to look back at the year, and see if you were on your trajectories.  You could then celebrate your successes, and make plans for 2011.

I sent my “Give Yourself an A” exercise to myself.  It will be delivered on January 1, 2011.