Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

“Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.” Plato

Elizabeth and I are taking Zumba exercise classes at our local Y.M.C.A.  Funny how life is:  I have danced more this past three months than I have my entire life.  I even practiced one of the moves I was having difficulty with at home.  Amazingly, I am actually beginning to feel the music within me.  The only other time I felt this was in a workshop with Gabrielle Roth in 1995.

Music has always been an important part of my life.  I grew up in the 50’s and early 60’s, and the songs and singers from that era still bring a smile to my face.  Roy Orbison, The 5 Satins, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Ferlin Husky, Dell Shannon, Connie Francis, Little Richard, The Kalin Twins, Peggy March, and the list goes on.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am an obsessive watcher of the Time-Life music series on TV.  I watch those video clips of singers from my past, and I can see the joy in their eyes and feel the music in their souls.

I once tried to choose my top 10 songs of all time; I got down to about 100, and couldn’t eliminate any more.  Some songs vividly evoke memories of people, places, things, or times; and some are simply mesmerizing.

While on the Appalachian Trail in 1996, I had Bonnie Tyler’s, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” stuck in my head for days!  Worse, I only knew about two lines: Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming around, and don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark, We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks…. A few days later, as I was eating lunch at a restaurant just off the trail that song was played on the sound system.  I know that happens a lot and I have thought about it often.  I have time.  I don’t believe that I manifested the song, but I was attuned to the sound because it has been in my head so much.  The song would have played without my thoughts, but if I wasn’t focused on it, I might have missed it.  That is why focusing on what you want is so important.  It attunes you to opportunities that the Universe presents to you daily.  When we are not sure of what we want we miss those chances.

Today, I use music in my workshops and classes. Normally I ask, “What is your theme song?”  I got the idea from the movie,  I’m Gonna Git You Sucka (1988).  Here is the relevant scene:

Jack Spade: [looks at musicians] Who are these guys?
John Spade: They’re my theme music. Every hero’s got to have some.

I believe we are all heroes and we are on our own hero’s journey.  Having “our theme song” in our heads helps us to be aware of who we are, and to give soul to the universe.  What songs inspire you?  What is your theme song? 

I recommend you choose a theme song and have an inspirational songs playlist on your IPod that you can listen to when you want to motivate yourself, and “to give wings to your mind, flight to your imagination.” 

“Every problem provides you the opportunity to demonstrate who you want to be.”  Anne Hartley

I had an interesting interaction with my General Contractor on Monday.  We were discussing the bathroom supplies and I showed him my Excel Spreadsheet of the toilets, tubs, faucets, and sinks that I wanted from the Bath Supplies store.  The salesperson from that store had faxed my contractor a list of those items, but there was a conflict in the model numbers and descriptions.  I told the contractor that my information was correct, but he was insistent that I could be wrong, and he wanted to use the company’s information.  I reiterated that I wanted what was on my spreadsheet. 

Well, the conversation deteriorated when he called the company, and they told him that I had ordered a 60” tub.  That was all I needed to hear; I angrily yelled “That is wrong!!!!”  Marshall Rosenberg, the Non-Violent Communications guru, would have said that this was a tragic expression of my unmet needs. I agree.

Interestingly, that very morning I had written on Chrystal Kubis’s Facebook page Anne Hartley’s quote.  The Universe is amazing because it always provides us with the opportunity to grow; sometimes the same opportunity again, and again until we learn the lesson.

As I replayed the situation in my head, I realized that when the contractor said that he didn’t think I had the right information, I thought, “he doesn’t believe that I know what I am doing.”  I then said defensively that I had worked 8 hours on researching this information and I am right.  At that moment I was feeling angry and resentful.  Upon further analysis, I began to realize that I was angry and resentful because my needs for trust and respect were not being met. 

Remembering my Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life, I decided that the following phrasing would have better represented who I wanted to be: “Mr. General Contractor, when I work with people I have a need for mutual respect and trust.  When you dismiss my information because you believe it to be inaccurate, I become angry and resentful.  Would you be willing to listen while I explain the differences between the two lists?” 

When you are learning a new language you don’t always get the words right.  And when you are in the heat of a situation, you don’t always respond the way you would want.  In this case, I did not demonstrate who I wanted to be.  In that moment I didn’t take a breath, didn’t allow myself the space I needed, and didn’t connect with my feelings and needs. This experience did, however, provide me the opportunity to learn.

Have you had a conversation lately that didn’t go the way you wanted it to?  Have you had an opportunity to demonstrate who you wanted to be, and didn’t?  An understanding of what you are feeling, and what needs of yours are not being met will help clarify what was going on for you in the moment. 

February 12th, 2010

Today I am 66 years old. Wow!  When I was 18, in 1962, I tried to imagine myself living into the 21st Century.  I would have to be 56!!!: An impossible age to think of at that time. 

What does the number 66 mean?  Well, my Rutgers freshman football jersey number was 66, and I graduated from Rutgers and joined the Marine Corps in 1966.  The bathtub in our new house will be 66” long.  There is the famous US Route 66, colloquially known as the “Main Street of America” or the “Mother Road”.  In a song of the same name, Nat King Cole advised us to: “Get your kicks on route sixty-six.”  Jimmy Dean’s Big Bad John “… stood six foot six and weighed 2-45.

In the end it is a number, a label, and in this particular situation it is an artificial measurement of one’s life.

Satchel Paige, legendary baseball star, once asked:  “How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you were?”  I like that question.  As I look through my eyes at the world today it is just as vivid and fascinating as it was when I looked out at 25. In that regard, I have no sense of being 66 years old.  Yes, I have changed over the years; I no longer grab the rim in basketball, run 50 miles a week, or stay up after 10 PM.  At the same time I am wiser and gentler then I was at 25.

While I have played the role of the lone wolf, I know that I would not have gotten here without the support and love of my friends and family.  Everyone I interacted with contributed to my life in some way, and I am not able to list them all because of space constraints. 

These are some of the people who helped me become who I am, and I want to publicly acknowledge their input to my life and thank them:

My mother and father, my sister and brother-in-law, Moose Gilghrist, Miss Jeanie Gilson, Mr. John Bush, Mrs. Mary Edmonds, Hank Brenneman, Lindy Lauro, Pat Maratto, Phil Mitchell, Bill Silva, Colonel Boscoe Parrish, LtCol Richard Twohey, 1st Lt Jim Burke, Dianne Harper, Jimmy Sweat, Traci Harper, Jim Hurlburt, General Al Gray, John Berryhill, Skip Backus, Lois Guarino, Adam Simon, Rich Warren, Don Hamlin, Gerry Nanos, Juan Carlos and his family, Tom Murphy, Elizabeth Harper, and every Marine, Habitat Homeowner and volunteer, and Omegan. 

You have all enriched my life, and influenced who I am today. THANK YOU!

I also want to recognize the places and organizations that have molded me: 

New Castle, Pennsylvania, The 1961 New Castle High School football team, Rutgers University, The Delta Chapter of Chi Phi Fraternity, The United States Marine Corps, Jacksonville Beaches Habitat for Humanity, The Coaches Training Institute, and the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. 

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the 6 people who are signed up for my weekly blog. 

While the above people and organizations influenced me, I am solely responsible for my actions. I have had my share of success and failure, joy and pain.  I have loved and been loved, I have felt the ecstasy of new love, and the pain of a broken heart.  I have done good deeds, and I have done things I now wish I would have done differently.  I have been a son, a brother, a husband, a father, and a husband.  I have had many roles and worn many labels.  Some I accepted, others I cursed.  I have been sad, mad, glad and scared.  I haven’t always recognized those feelings, but I am getting better at that.

Today, I appreciate beauty and imperfection.  I smile as I watch everyday people do everyday things.  I understand and appreciate that we are all here living our lives in our own ways.  I watch the sun rise and set.  I watch our cat sleep.  I am the witness to the ordinary lives of extraordinary people, and the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.  I feel the oneness of all things, and I smile.  I love and I am loved.

And I have learned that this is what it’s all about:  THE HOKEY POKEY

I am 66 and I am me.

Well, it seems like I have spent every waking hour this past few days thinking about, looking at, and deciding on toilets, showers, tubs, and faucets.  We are building a home here in Canandaigua, New York, and the process is fascinating.  I know more about toilets than I ever wanted to, or even thought possible.

Until now, the decisions on the house have been easy.  We got the house plan off the Internet, and hired a contractor.  And Shazaam! the house was framed in and had a shingled roof.  There were decisions about the basement, roofing material, windows, doors, siding, but they were simple.  We knew the look we wanted, drove around the area looking at other houses for color schemes, asked our builder for his input, and made our decision.

One day, in 10 degree temperature, we walked through the house with the contractor and the electrician to place the lights, outlets, switches, etc.  Most of those decisions were based on the electrician’s expertise.  Here is how the conversation went:
Contractor:  “Where do you want the lights in this room?” 
Me:  “Matt (the electrician), where do you recommend we put the lights?” 
Matt:  Pointing at several logical locations says, “Here and here.” 
Me: “Great! Let’s do that.” 

I have discovered that there are more varieties of toilets than mushrooms, and the same is true for showers and tubs.  Toto, American Standard, and Kohler are the most popular three, but there are plenty of others to look at.  Do you want comfort height, especially good for OLDER people?  Do you want an elongated or round seat?  Left or right hand flush?  Single or double piece?  Class 5 or 6 flush technology?  What color?  What design?  Then you can go to the next level where you are literally and figuratively bowled over by the porcelain edifices flush with technological.  I saw one with an L.E.D. display!!!  I did not get close enough to examine it, but from a far I could see that a timer was included.  A timer?!?!?!?

Tubs are no any easier.  Whirlpool – air or hydro?; soaking?; tub/shower combination?; 60”, 66”or, 72” long?; oval or rectangle?; corner or alcove?  There are the outside dimensions and then the bathing well dimensions and the back angle to consider.  The Internet has a website with all the standard dimensions for everything: the Dimensions Guide .  I got lost in there for a while.  My high school geometry has long been forgotten so In order to determine the crucial back angle I went to this website: Triangle Calculator.  The biggest problem with tubs is that the one you want is not in a showroom, so you are not able to actually sit in it.  So, I have laid out the dimensions of the various tubs on the floor and simulated soaking in them. 

Then there are the faucets!  Going on line is the slippery slope to hell.  Just when you have decided on what you want, another style appears; maybe that one will be best?

The point of all of this is that there comes a time when you have enough information.  You need to accept the fact that you will never have perfect information for any decision. 

Here is what I have learned from this process:

1. Know what you want.
2. Get the information you need.
3. Ask the advice of professionals.
4. Decide!

Trust yourself and decide.  And have fun with the whole decision making process; we are.

The first question I ask clients is, “What do you want?” A lot of people tell me they don’t know, but the premise of my coaching is that everyone is creative, resourceful, and whole, and that means they do know.  I understand that at times they may be blocked from accessing this information, and I will ask questions to open up their hearts and minds to help them find the answer.  Oftentimes I will ask them that if education and money were not an issue and they knew that they could not fail, what would they do. 

Here is another idea about how to access what you want.  I recently got the following exercise from Ben Dooley.  Find a quiet place and have a journal ready.  Now imagine that you need to enter the Witness Protection program.  Here are some questions to help you create your new life; the life you want.

Take a deep breath and allow yourself to dream a little.

“Where do you want to live?  If you could choose anywhere in the whole wide world, other than where you are now, where would you go?

What do you want your job to be?  If you couldn’t do what you do now, what would be the perfect job for you?  (There’s no sense picking a job that is inappropriate or non-fulfilling, right?)

What hobbies would you like to do?  All those things you never got around to, but always wanted to try.

What is your new name and identity?
How would you act in social situations?  You’ve got to create new habits that you would follow.  No longer would you fall into the same habitual and limiting traps.

What do you want other people to know about you?  You can create a whole new “first impression.”

How much money did you want to make?

Where did you come from? And because this was a “do-over” you could also completely re-write your past.

What is your educational background and job history?  The possibilities are limitless.  Every stupid mistake, embarrassing situation, unfortunate circumstance that happened in your past that has haunted you throughout your days, all eliminated from reality.  Sure, somebody must have done those things, but it wasn’t you. 

If you could completely have a new life, new name, new place to live, new job, new history-the ultimate start over, what would it be?

Today, instead of giving yourself another day to look back on with regret, create your day to be one which you embrace with pride.  Create your life today – New!  As though you were starting completely fresh (even just a teeny-tiny bit) and then start to make it happen.

That’s how it works. First you dream it, then you do it, then you live it.”

Would you be willing to send me your answers?  I would love to hear about your new life, and I promise that I will not divulge your whereabouts or anything about your new identity.  In July of 1994, I changed my name and entered a new life.  But that is a story for another blog.

And, thank you Ben Dooley for giving me your permission to use this exercise.  Ben has a wonderful website and I recommend you visit it to see what he offers.