Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

Back on May 10th I posted a blog called “Improve Your Self Esteem Today.”  Here is part of that blog:

First, ask for what you want.  How do you know if you are not asking for what you want?  One way is to look at what you are complaining about.  A complaint is simply an un-communicated request.  You are not asking for what you want, and you truly know what that is.  Make a list of 10 “complaints” you have.  Then beside each one, write your un-communicated request.
Here are some examples:
I never get any time off from work. 
    Un-communicated request: Boss, may I have a day off?
That damn dog barks every night. 
    Un-communicated request: Neighbor, could you do something about your dog barking at night?
They play the music so loud here I can’t talk with my friends. 
    Un-communicated request: Could you please turn down the music?

Did you do the exercise?  What complaints did you have?  What were your requests?  Did you take action?

I also have been using this exercise in my private coaching practice.  Here is one response I received:

“Here I am the night before our session determined to send you some sort of list.  Each time I begin a list in my head, I seem to see how ridiculous the complaint is and that it isn’t really a complaint at all but rather my unwillingness or inability to see my contribution to the complaint.  That I have actually chosen to hold onto the complaint rather than moving through it!  Once I see it in black and white, I see my part and realize what I need to shift.  As I sat to write the complaints that I had toward others, they began to dissolve as I began to see my contribution to holding on to the complaint!  So, now my list of complaints has turned away from others and is focused toward me, yikes!”  Suzanne Lynn.

What a powerful and eloquently written statement.  We call those “aha” moments in coaching.  I asked Suzanne’s permission to use this because I could not have said it any better.  Everything that occurs in your life comes from you.  You are complicit in the events of your life and when you want something or someone to change; you need to change yourself first. Thank you Suzanne.