Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

I was reading Parade Magazine this past weekend because there was an article about Jennifer Garner.  I only watched “Alias” once or twice, but I loved her work in “Dude Where’s My Car?” and “13 going on 30.” 

Here is what she said in the article about a personal relationship, “I couldn’t work things out because I wasn’t able to say what I needed to say.  I didn’t have a voice.  I didn’t dare to express myself.”  And later she admits, “I didn’t know how to ask for anything that I needed,” and “I realized that I needed to be more like my character in “Alias,” who was powerful and confident and an inspiration to me.” 

The reason I am writing about this is that a lot of people have difficulty asking for what they want.  When I coach someone the first question I always ask them is, “What do you want?”  You may be surprised at the amount of silence that follows that simple question.  I remember one young lady who cried when I asked her that question.  She told me that no one had ever asked her what she wanted.  What do you want?

Many individuals say they don’t know.  Well, one way of discovering what you want is to ask yourself, “What do I complain about?”  Within every complaint there is an unspoken request.  For instance, maybe you complain about not having time off from work, or possibly you complain that your partner is not paying enough attention to you.  The simple solution is to ask for what you want.  “Boss, may I have a day off of work,” or “partner I want you to spend more time with me.”  But, let’s go a little deeper.

When you are not getting time off from work, what are you feeling?  Are you tired, frustrated, or bored?  Identify the feeling.  Then think about what need of yours is not being met.  Perhaps, you have a need for rest; fairness - others are taking time off; or recreation.  Now you can make a specific request.  It could look like this:  “Boss, I have been feeling tired lately and I am not able to work at the level I want to because I have a need for some rest and recreation.  Would you be willing to let me take next Friday off?”

When your partner is not paying enough attention to you, what are you feeling?  Are you lonely, hurt, or frustrated?  What need of yours is not being met in that situation?  Maybe, you have a need for connection, appreciation, or respect.  Again, now you can make a specific request like, “Partner, I am feeling lonely and frustrated because I have a need to connect to you and be appreciated.  Would you be willing to come home in time to have dinner with me on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at 6 PM?”

I believe that asking for what you want is a basic right of all people, and a key to living a more fulfilled life.  If you are nervous about allowing yourself to be vulnerable then think WWSBD:  What Would Sidney Bristow Do?  Sometimes a good role model can help us learn.