Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

Mike and I did not have a coaching session this week, but we will resume the downloadable podcasts next week.

Here are two simple steps for improving your self-esteem.

First, ask for what you want.  How do you know if you are not asking for what you want?  One way is to look at what you are complaining about.  A complaint is simply an un-communicated request.  You are not asking for what you want, and you know what that is.  Make a list of 10 “complaints” you have, then beside each one, write your un-communicated request.  I am very interested in this technique, so please send me your sentences and tell me how it worked for you. 
Here are some examples:
What is wrong with that waitress, she hasn’t brought the check.

Uncommunicated request: Waitress may I have the check please?

I never get any time off from work. 

Uncommunicated request: Boss, may I have a day off?

That damn dog barks every night. 

Uncommunicated request: Neighbor, could you do something about your dog barking at night?

They play the music so loud here I can’t talk with my friends. 

Uncommunicated request: Could you please turn down the music?

Second, take responsibility for what you are doing in your life.  Are there things you “have to” do in your life?  Do you say things like; I have to work?  I have to pay taxes?  I have to study for an exam?  I have to (fill in the blank).  We use the “have to” phrase because in that moment we don’t see any options, and at the same time you know that there are always options.  Try this exercise I got from Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communications.  Instead of saying I have to, replace it with I choose to and why you want to make that choice – Here are some examples:

Instead of, I have to work, say I choose to go to work because I want to have money to live on. 
Instead of, I have to pay taxes, say I choose to pay my taxes because I want to contribute to my community.
Instead of, I have to study for this exam, say I choose to study for this exam because I want a good grade, or, alternatively, because I want to stay in school and get my degree.

When you say “I choose” and “I want” you are taking charge of your life.  You are no longer the victim of some unknown entity commonly referred to as they, them, the suits, the government, or any other name.  I know you get the idea.  Try it; how does it feel to you?  Again, please send me your sentences, and tell me what you learned. 

You are responsible for your life, and all the decisions you have made that have gotten you where you are today.  You are doing a magnificent job, keep it up.