Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

Mike had another good week, although he still does not have a job.  On Thursday he went to a conference about alternative energy specific to buildings.  It was for networking.  He said that it was slow at first, but that then it began to flow naturally.  His elevator speech (part of his homework from last week) worked well, and got good responses.  He learned that
1. People are more open then I think.
2. I might be better than I think I am.

The second part of his homework was “What am I avoiding?”  He found this question tough to answer because he is really avoiding it.  With the current economic situation he and his wife Suzanne are going to implement their contingency plan!!! They had developed a fall back plan using “What if” questions… about their financial situation.  Mike being out of work was one of the things they “what if’d”, and the plan is to reduce their standard of living for 1 – 3 years.  This may include selling their house.  This decision will be made in June.  How many of you have contingency plans?

The third part of the homework was “What am I resisting?”  Being newly married situations have arisen between Mike and Suzanne about how to do things.  A lot of times an internal “conflict” arises when one of our values are not being honored.  For instance, when there is a difference in how things are to be done, we sometimes feel like we are losing our freedom.  Freedom is a universal value and if threatened we become anxious.  At the same time, we need to look at if that is true in the situation we are in.  Does putting the knives in a different drawer really take away our freedom?  Again, sometimes this goes back to simply asking for what you want, or asking for clarification.  A lot of us simply want to know why things are done.
I talk to a lot a people about commitment and freedom.  They are not mutually exclusive, and I believe commitment gives us more freedom.  Unless you are committed to someone or something, you are not free to be yourself.  Unless you are committed there could be the fear that if I am my true self, my authentic self, then the other person may leave.  We hold ourselves back, and in that process we are not happy, and that affects how we are in relationship to others.

I asked Mike “What were the reasons you were let go from your previous job?”  While 500 out of 800 people were let go within the same time frame as Mike, I wanted to know if there was anything that he could learn from the experience.  Jack Welch in his book, “Winning” says that one of the key questions to ask when interviewing someone for a job is “What were the reasons for you leaving your last job?”  His advice for the answer is that honesty is always the best policy.

When I was passed over for Colonel several of my contemporaries were also.  Some of them said they were surprised and did not know why they were not promoted.  I did.  I had two jobs in my career where I did not do an adequate job, and was therefore not competitive for promotion.  I looked at both of those situations and learned what I did or didn’t do.  When I am asked “Why did you retire from the Marine Corps?” I say, “I retired because I was not going to be promoted.  Twice during my career I did not meet a competitive standard of performance.  I have learned from those situations and I am improving in those areas of my leadership.”

Mike said that he is a challenger, and sometimes can be stubborn.  It is important that he look for jobs with companies that have a culture that supports that and has values that are aligned with his. If a company doesn’t value integrity and that is one of your values, then you will not be happy working for that company.  In two weeks, Mike and I will do a values clarification exercise.

I then asked Mike what he said to himself when he makes a mistake.  His answers: “Why didn’t I see that”, “I need to improve that for next time”, and “Why am I not smart enough?” – This is the voice of your saboteur, and your saboteur wants to keep you where you are.  The saboteur loves the status quo.  The quickest way to deal with this voice is to acknowledge it and than know that you have other choices.  You can also mitigate the saboteur by immediately making a positive statement about yourself.  For instance if you say, “You are such an idiot, why did you?”  You could say something like, “Well in this situation I didn’t think the issue through clearly.  In the future I will spend more time on it before I decide.”  What did you say to yourself the last time you made a “mistake?”

Just before we hung up Mike shared with me a moment this week when he allowed himself to feel his feelings.  After considerable effort Mike found the person who could make a hiring decision at EMC, and he then was told that the position was already filled.  He hung up and stood there for a moment, and then said to himself, “I am sad.”  He felt his feelings, and within 10 minutes the emotion was gone.  Watch children.  They feel all of their feelings (sad, mad, glad, and scared), express them, and move on.  As we get older we learn to suppress our feelings, and that is when we feel discomfit, anxiety, and depression.

Home work for next week:
What 3 things are most proud of in your life?
Read my blog “I like myself”  at http://www.winharper.com/index.php/life_coach/blog/i_like_myself/