Win Harper | Life and Leadership Coach

“Every problem provides you the opportunity to demonstrate who you want to be.”  Anne Hartley

I had an interesting interaction with my General Contractor on Monday.  We were discussing the bathroom supplies and I showed him my Excel Spreadsheet of the toilets, tubs, faucets, and sinks that I wanted from the Bath Supplies store.  The salesperson from that store had faxed my contractor a list of those items, but there was a conflict in the model numbers and descriptions.  I told the contractor that my information was correct, but he was insistent that I could be wrong, and he wanted to use the company’s information.  I reiterated that I wanted what was on my spreadsheet. 

Well, the conversation deteriorated when he called the company, and they told him that I had ordered a 60” tub.  That was all I needed to hear; I angrily yelled “That is wrong!!!!”  Marshall Rosenberg, the Non-Violent Communications guru, would have said that this was a tragic expression of my unmet needs. I agree.

Interestingly, that very morning I had written on Chrystal Kubis’s Facebook page Anne Hartley’s quote.  The Universe is amazing because it always provides us with the opportunity to grow; sometimes the same opportunity again, and again until we learn the lesson.

As I replayed the situation in my head, I realized that when the contractor said that he didn’t think I had the right information, I thought, “he doesn’t believe that I know what I am doing.”  I then said defensively that I had worked 8 hours on researching this information and I am right.  At that moment I was feeling angry and resentful.  Upon further analysis, I began to realize that I was angry and resentful because my needs for trust and respect were not being met. 

Remembering my Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life, I decided that the following phrasing would have better represented who I wanted to be: “Mr. General Contractor, when I work with people I have a need for mutual respect and trust.  When you dismiss my information because you believe it to be inaccurate, I become angry and resentful.  Would you be willing to listen while I explain the differences between the two lists?” 

When you are learning a new language you don’t always get the words right.  And when you are in the heat of a situation, you don’t always respond the way you would want.  In this case, I did not demonstrate who I wanted to be.  In that moment I didn’t take a breath, didn’t allow myself the space I needed, and didn’t connect with my feelings and needs. This experience did, however, provide me the opportunity to learn.

Have you had a conversation lately that didn’t go the way you wanted it to?  Have you had an opportunity to demonstrate who you wanted to be, and didn’t?  An understanding of what you are feeling, and what needs of yours are not being met will help clarify what was going on for you in the moment.