A picture might be worth a thousand words, but the right picture frame makes a big difference in how the message is received.  A friend of mine who owned a picture framing business once told me that every picture is made better by the right frame.  She also said that every picture deserves a good frame.

Do you have an image of yourself that is in an old frame?  Maybe your parents framed it for you when you were very young.  Imagine if changing your self-image was as simple as reframing an old picture? 

I watched a lot of this year’s Winter Olympics.  I really enjoyed seeing individuals competing at the highest possible level in their sport.  Many of them trained most of their lives for this one chance, and yet there was only one “winner”, one Gold Medalist.  Picture yourself dedicating your entire life for one purpose, and NOT winning.  How would you frame that image of yourself?  Would you capture that moment with a “loser” frame?  Would you surround the event with an “I did my best” frame?  Which frame would you choose?  And how would it affect your self-image, and your life?

You can and you do choose how you frame your life’s pictures.  Are you choosing frames that enhance your image or ones that diminish you?  Does the frame provide you proper boundaries or does it box you into a way of life?  The frames you choose reflect your attitude towards life and yourself, and they define your self-image.

This week look at some old pictures of yourself.  How are they framed?  What is another perspective of those images of yourself?  How would you reframe them today?

“Then daddy came in to kiss his little man
With gin on his breath and a Bible in his hand
He talked about honor and things I should know.”

I like the line, “He talked about honor and things I should know.”  I often think about the things my father talked to me about, and what I talked about with my daughter.  Quite frankly, not much comes up.

Two years ago I took a memoirs writing course at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.  One of the assignments was to write 2 pages about “instructions to the child you once were.”  I was amazed at the things I had not been told and what I had not told my daughter, like,
Wake up each morning knowing the day is yours
Eat a good breakfast
Take time to reflect
Be curious
Take risks
Know what fulfills you
Take time for children and old people
Be grateful
Laugh
Be a part of something bigger than yourself
Know your needs
Take long walks in the woods, and always be aware of where the sun is
Stop often; listen, smell, taste, touch, see
Choose Kindness over being right
Be fair
Do things that make you happy
Read
Love
Ask for help
Be sad, mad, glad, and scared
Dream big
Listen to yourself, Listen to others
Trust yourself, trust others
Fall down, get back up

Grace Gravelle, a friend of mine, is writing a book for her niece about “all the things I’ve learned.”  What a wonderful gift! 

Think about what advice you would have liked to have had, and give it to yourself now; journal about it, say it out loud to yourself, get friends together and discuss it.  I think you will like the list you come up with.

Here are two more quotes that may help you get started:

Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
            Robert Fulghum
And this one which I really like, and abide by:
If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it.
          H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Elizabeth and I are taking Zumba exercise classes at our local Y.M.C.A.  Funny how life is:  I have danced more this past three months than I have my entire life.  I even practiced one of the moves I was having difficulty with at home.  Amazingly, I am actually beginning to feel the music within me.  The only other time I felt this was in a workshop with Gabrielle Roth in 1995.

Music has always been an important part of my life.  I grew up in the 50’s and early 60’s, and the songs and singers from that era still bring a smile to my face.  Roy Orbison, The 5 Satins, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Ferlin Husky, Dell Shannon, Connie Francis, Little Richard, The Kalin Twins, Peggy March, and the list goes on.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am an obsessive watcher of the Time-Life music series on TV.  I watch those video clips of singers from my past, and I can see the joy in their eyes and feel the music in their souls.

I once tried to choose my top 10 songs of all time; I got down to about 100, and couldn’t eliminate any more.  Some songs vividly evoke memories of people, places, things, or times; and some are simply mesmerizing.

While on the Appalachian Trail in 1996, I had Bonnie Tyler’s, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” stuck in my head for days!  Worse, I only knew about two lines: Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming around, and don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark, We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks…. A few days later, as I was eating lunch at a restaurant just off the trail that song was played on the sound system.  I know that happens a lot and I have thought about it often.  I have time.  I don’t believe that I manifested the song, but I was attuned to the sound because it has been in my head so much.  The song would have played without my thoughts, but if I wasn’t focused on it, I might have missed it.  That is why focusing on what you want is so important.  It attunes you to opportunities that the Universe presents to you daily.  When we are not sure of what we want we miss those chances.

Today, I use music in my workshops and classes. Normally I ask, “What is your theme song?”  I got the idea from the movie,  I’m Gonna Git You Sucka (1988).  Here is the relevant scene:

Jack Spade: [looks at musicians] Who are these guys?
John Spade: They’re my theme music. Every hero’s got to have some.

I believe we are all heroes and we are on our own hero’s journey.  Having “our theme song” in our heads helps us to be aware of who we are, and to give soul to the universe.  What songs inspire you?  What is your theme song? 

I recommend you choose a theme song and have an inspirational songs playlist on your IPod that you can listen to when you want to motivate yourself, and “to give wings to your mind, flight to your imagination.” 

I had an interesting interaction with my General Contractor on Monday.  We were discussing the bathroom supplies and I showed him my Excel Spreadsheet of the toilets, tubs, faucets, and sinks that I wanted from the Bath Supplies store.  The salesperson from that store had faxed my contractor a list of those items, but there was a conflict in the model numbers and descriptions.  I told the contractor that my information was correct, but he was insistent that I could be wrong, and he wanted to use the company’s information.  I reiterated that I wanted what was on my spreadsheet. 

Well, the conversation deteriorated when he called the company, and they told him that I had ordered a 60” tub.  That was all I needed to hear; I angrily yelled “That is wrong!!!!”  Marshall Rosenberg, the Non-Violent Communications guru, would have said that this was a tragic expression of my unmet needs. I agree.

Interestingly, that very morning I had written on Chrystal Kubis’s Facebook page Anne Hartley’s quote.  The Universe is amazing because it always provides us with the opportunity to grow; sometimes the same opportunity again, and again until we learn the lesson.

As I replayed the situation in my head, I realized that when the contractor said that he didn’t think I had the right information, I thought, “he doesn’t believe that I know what I am doing.”  I then said defensively that I had worked 8 hours on researching this information and I am right.  At that moment I was feeling angry and resentful.  Upon further analysis, I began to realize that I was angry and resentful because my needs for trust and respect were not being met. 

Remembering my Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life, I decided that the following phrasing would have better represented who I wanted to be: “Mr. General Contractor, when I work with people I have a need for mutual respect and trust.  When you dismiss my information because you believe it to be inaccurate, I become angry and resentful.  Would you be willing to listen while I explain the differences between the two lists?” 

When you are learning a new language you don’t always get the words right.  And when you are in the heat of a situation, you don’t always respond the way you would want.  In this case, I did not demonstrate who I wanted to be.  In that moment I didn’t take a breath, didn’t allow myself the space I needed, and didn’t connect with my feelings and needs. This experience did, however, provide me the opportunity to learn.

Have you had a conversation lately that didn’t go the way you wanted it to?  Have you had an opportunity to demonstrate who you wanted to be, and didn’t?  An understanding of what you are feeling, and what needs of yours are not being met will help clarify what was going on for you in the moment. 

Today I am 66 years old. Wow!  When I was 18, in 1962, I tried to imagine myself living into the 21st Century.  I would have to be 56!!!: An impossible age to think of at that time. 

What does the number 66 mean?  Well, my Rutgers freshman football jersey number was 66, and I graduated from Rutgers and joined the Marine Corps in 1966.  The bathtub in our new house will be 66” long.  There is the famous US Route 66, colloquially known as the “Main Street of America” or the “Mother Road”.  In a song of the same name, Nat King Cole advised us to: “Get your kicks on route sixty-six.”  Jimmy Dean’s Big Bad John “… stood six foot six and weighed 2-45.

In the end it is a number, a label, and in this particular situation it is an artificial measurement of one’s life.

Satchel Paige, legendary baseball star, once asked:  “How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you were?”  I like that question.  As I look through my eyes at the world today it is just as vivid and fascinating as it was when I looked out at 25. In that regard, I have no sense of being 66 years old.  Yes, I have changed over the years; I no longer grab the rim in basketball, run 50 miles a week, or stay up after 10 PM.  At the same time I am wiser and gentler then I was at 25.

While I have played the role of the lone wolf, I know that I would not have gotten here without the support and love of my friends and family.  Everyone I interacted with contributed to my life in some way, and I am not able to list them all because of space constraints. 

These are some of the people who helped me become who I am, and I want to publicly acknowledge their input to my life and thank them:

My mother and father, my sister and brother-in-law, Moose Gilghrist, Miss Jeanie Gilson, Mr. John Bush, Mrs. Mary Edmonds, Hank Brenneman, Lindy Lauro, Pat Maratto, Phil Mitchell, Bill Silva, Colonel Boscoe Parrish, LtCol Richard Twohey, 1st Lt Jim Burke, Dianne Harper, Jimmy Sweat, Traci Harper, Jim Hurlburt, General Al Gray, John Berryhill, Skip Backus, Lois Guarino, Adam Simon, Rich Warren, Don Hamlin, Gerry Nanos, Juan Carlos and his family, Tom Murphy, Elizabeth Harper, and every Marine, Habitat Homeowner and volunteer, and Omegan. 

You have all enriched my life, and influenced who I am today. THANK YOU!

I also want to recognize the places and organizations that have molded me: 

New Castle, Pennsylvania, The 1961 New Castle High School football team, Rutgers University, The Delta Chapter of Chi Phi Fraternity, The United States Marine Corps, Jacksonville Beaches Habitat for Humanity, The Coaches Training Institute, and the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. 

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the 6 people who are signed up for my weekly blog. 

While the above people and organizations influenced me, I am solely responsible for my actions. I have had my share of success and failure, joy and pain.  I have loved and been loved, I have felt the ecstasy of new love, and the pain of a broken heart.  I have done good deeds, and I have done things I now wish I would have done differently.  I have been a son, a brother, a husband, a father, and a husband.  I have had many roles and worn many labels.  Some I accepted, others I cursed.  I have been sad, mad, glad and scared.  I haven’t always recognized those feelings, but I am getting better at that.

Today, I appreciate beauty and imperfection.  I smile as I watch everyday people do everyday things.  I understand and appreciate that we are all here living our lives in our own ways.  I watch the sun rise and set.  I watch our cat sleep.  I am the witness to the ordinary lives of extraordinary people, and the extraordinary lives of ordinary people.  I feel the oneness of all things, and I smile.  I love and I am loved.

And I have learned that this is what it’s all about:  THE HOKEY POKEY

I am 66 and I am me.

Until now, the decisions on the house have been easy.  We got the house plan off the Internet, and hired a contractor.  And Shazaam! the house was framed in and had a shingled roof.  There were decisions about the basement, roofing material, windows, doors, siding, but they were simple.  We knew the look we wanted, drove around the area looking at other houses for color schemes, asked our builder for his input, and made our decision.

One day, in 10 degree temperature, we walked through the house with the contractor and the electrician to place the lights, outlets, switches, etc.  Most of those decisions were based on the electrician’s expertise.  Here is how the conversation went:
Contractor:  “Where do you want the lights in this room?” 
Me:  “Matt (the electrician), where do you recommend we put the lights?” 
Matt:  Pointing at several logical locations says, “Here and here.” 
Me: “Great! Let’s do that.” 

I have discovered that there are more varieties of toilets than mushrooms, and the same is true for showers and tubs.  Toto, American Standard, and Kohler are the most popular three, but there are plenty of others to look at.  Do you want comfort height, especially good for OLDER people?  Do you want an elongated or round seat?  Left or right hand flush?  Single or double piece?  Class 5 or 6 flush technology?  What color?  What design?  Then you can go to the next level where you are literally and figuratively bowled over by the porcelain edifices flush with technological.  I saw one with an L.E.D. display!!!  I did not get close enough to examine it, but from a far I could see that a timer was included.  A timer?!?!?!?

Tubs are no any easier.  Whirlpool – air or hydro?; soaking?; tub/shower combination?; 60”, 66”or, 72” long?; oval or rectangle?; corner or alcove?  There are the outside dimensions and then the bathing well dimensions and the back angle to consider.  The Internet has a website with all the standard dimensions for everything: the Dimensions Guide .  I got lost in there for a while.  My high school geometry has long been forgotten so In order to determine the crucial back angle I went to this website: Triangle Calculator.  The biggest problem with tubs is that the one you want is not in a showroom, so you are not able to actually sit in it.  So, I have laid out the dimensions of the various tubs on the floor and simulated soaking in them. 

Then there are the faucets!  Going on line is the slippery slope to hell.  Just when you have decided on what you want, another style appears; maybe that one will be best?

The point of all of this is that there comes a time when you have enough information.  You need to accept the fact that you will never have perfect information for any decision. 

Here is what I have learned from this process:

1. Know what you want.
2. Get the information you need.
3. Ask the advice of professionals.
4. Decide!

Trust yourself and decide.  And have fun with the whole decision making process; we are.

Here is another idea about how to access what you want.  I recently got the following exercise from Ben Dooley.  Find a quiet place and have a journal ready.  Now imagine that you need to enter the Witness Protection program.  Here are some questions to help you create your new life; the life you want.

Take a deep breath and allow yourself to dream a little.

“Where do you want to live?  If you could choose anywhere in the whole wide world, other than where you are now, where would you go?

What do you want your job to be?  If you couldn’t do what you do now, what would be the perfect job for you?  (There’s no sense picking a job that is inappropriate or non-fulfilling, right?)

What hobbies would you like to do?  All those things you never got around to, but always wanted to try.

What is your new name and identity?
How would you act in social situations?  You’ve got to create new habits that you would follow.  No longer would you fall into the same habitual and limiting traps.

What do you want other people to know about you?  You can create a whole new “first impression.”

How much money did you want to make?

Where did you come from? And because this was a “do-over” you could also completely re-write your past.

What is your educational background and job history?  The possibilities are limitless.  Every stupid mistake, embarrassing situation, unfortunate circumstance that happened in your past that has haunted you throughout your days, all eliminated from reality.  Sure, somebody must have done those things, but it wasn’t you. 

If you could completely have a new life, new name, new place to live, new job, new history-the ultimate start over, what would it be?

Today, instead of giving yourself another day to look back on with regret, create your day to be one which you embrace with pride.  Create your life today – New!  As though you were starting completely fresh (even just a teeny-tiny bit) and then start to make it happen.

That’s how it works. First you dream it, then you do it, then you live it.”

Would you be willing to send me your answers?  I would love to hear about your new life, and I promise that I will not divulge your whereabouts or anything about your new identity.  In July of 1994, I changed my name and entered a new life.  But that is a story for another blog.

And, thank you Ben Dooley for giving me your permission to use this exercise.  Ben has a wonderful website and I recommend you visit it to see what he offers.

Here is what she said in the article about a personal relationship, “I couldn’t work things out because I wasn’t able to say what I needed to say.  I didn’t have a voice.  I didn’t dare to express myself.”  And later she admits, “I didn’t know how to ask for anything that I needed,” and “I realized that I needed to be more like my character in “Alias,” who was powerful and confident and an inspiration to me.” 

The reason I am writing about this is that a lot of people have difficulty asking for what they want.  When I coach someone the first question I always ask them is, “What do you want?”  You may be surprised at the amount of silence that follows that simple question.  I remember one young lady who cried when I asked her that question.  She told me that no one had ever asked her what she wanted.  What do you want?

Many individuals say they don’t know.  Well, one way of discovering what you want is to ask yourself, “What do I complain about?”  Within every complaint there is an unspoken request.  For instance, maybe you complain about not having time off from work, or possibly you complain that your partner is not paying enough attention to you.  The simple solution is to ask for what you want.  “Boss, may I have a day off of work,” or “partner I want you to spend more time with me.”  But, let’s go a little deeper.

When you are not getting time off from work, what are you feeling?  Are you tired, frustrated, or bored?  Identify the feeling.  Then think about what need of yours is not being met.  Perhaps, you have a need for rest; fairness - others are taking time off; or recreation.  Now you can make a specific request.  It could look like this:  “Boss, I have been feeling tired lately and I am not able to work at the level I want to because I have a need for some rest and recreation.  Would you be willing to let me take next Friday off?”

When your partner is not paying enough attention to you, what are you feeling?  Are you lonely, hurt, or frustrated?  What need of yours is not being met in that situation?  Maybe, you have a need for connection, appreciation, or respect.  Again, now you can make a specific request like, “Partner, I am feeling lonely and frustrated because I have a need to connect to you and be appreciated.  Would you be willing to come home in time to have dinner with me on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at 6 PM?”

I believe that asking for what you want is a basic right of all people, and a key to living a more fulfilled life.  If you are nervous about allowing yourself to be vulnerable then think WWSBD:  What Would Sidney Bristow Do?  Sometimes a good role model can help us learn.

I served 26 years in the Marine Corps and was a logistics officer for a Marine Artillery Regiment, so I know a lot about traveling and the need to travel light.  I also worked in the parking lot at the Omega Institute for Holistic studies.  Part of that job included delivering the participant’s luggage to their housing.  In that position you develop a real sensitivity to luggage; size, amount, and quality.  Many times, at the end of a long transition day, myself and the other staff members were exhausted. 

So far I have been talking about physical baggage, but what about our emotional baggage.  What is the cost of the excess we carry?

What are two or three things you believe that are limiting you from becoming who you want to be?  I often tell myself I don’t want to market my coaching because I could get TOO many clients.  What I am really saying is that I have difficulty with boundaries and saying “No”.  Sometimes I won’t speak up because, “What difference would it make; the other person doesn’t care or doesn’t want to grow.”  What I am really doing is not getting my need to be heard and understood met, and that usually leaves me frustrated and angry.

What are you doing, saying, or thinking that is limiting you?  What one belief or behavior, if you changed it today, would make the biggest difference in your life?

Rick Jarow, who teaches at the Omega Institute, uses the term ‘trajectories” in place of goals.  I like that concept.  We oftentimes beat ourselves up for not reaching our goals, when we need to celebrate the fact that we are on the right trajectory towards them. 

One of my goals for 2009 was to get my weight down to 180 pounds.  I didn’t achieve that weight, and at the same time I learned a lot about food, and started exercising more during the year.  The result is that I am feeling much better about myself.  That is a pretty good achievement.

Last year, Elizabeth and I developed a new session called, “Future Gifts for the Present Moment.”  Through guided imagery we take people 20 years into the future to visit their “Future Self.”  By developing a relationship with the future self, the wiser self, the highest self, or intuition, whatever name you want to use, you develop a sense of the continuum of time.  Or rather, you learn that life is timeless, and that hours, minutes, seconds, and years are only artificial measurements. For instance, how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Resolutions, goals, intentions, or trajectories are important.  Most people, however are only successful when they are held accountable.  That can be done with a coach, a friend, a partner, or themselves. I recently found an interesting website:  http://www.futureme.org.  Basically, you write yourself an email to be delivered to you on a future date you specify.  The idea is “based on the principle that memories are less accurate than emails.”  There are an unlimited number of uses for this site, and holding yourself accountable could be one.  Imagine receiving an email from yourself on January 1, 2011, listing what you wanted to do in 2010.  It would be a reminder to look back at the year, and see if you were on your trajectories.  You could then celebrate your successes, and make plans for 2011.

I sent my “Give Yourself an A” exercise to myself.  It will be delivered on January 1, 2011. 

I learned a new language this year:  Nonviolent Communication, a language of life.  I am not yet fluent in it, and at the same time, I am identifying and expressing my feelings and connecting those feelings with my met or unmet needs.  Much like learning any foreign language, it required practice and patience on my part, and empathy for those who did not at first understand my inelegant expression and use of the words and sentences.  And like when you learn the language of a foreign country you are visiting, my efforts were appreciated by those I talked with. I also used my new language in my coaching, and helped others learn how to express themselves better and to have healthier relationships.

I am in the best physical shape I have been in years.  I started the year going to Zumba exercise classes three times a week at the local Y.M.C.A., and in January I had a personal trainer design a workout for me.  I am also began playing basketball again.

I continued to study coaching and leadership.  I re-read, “Irresistible Communications”, “Nonviolent Communications”, and “Leadership and Self-Deception.”  I read, “The What’s of Management”, “You are What You Say”, “Restore Yourself”, “Leading with Questions”, “Loving with Intention”, and “The Leadership Challenge.”  I also took a couple of tele-seminar classes, and listened to coaching skills classes podcasts.  I talked on the phone twice a month with Suzanne Damberg and Sandy Grove, The Coaching Roundtable, and that provided support, learning, and connection for the three of us.

In 2010 I re-committed myself to being the best coach I could be, and through a concerted marketing effort that included radio shows, articles, teaching, and advertising, I had the maximum number of clients I want – 10.  I coached individuals and groups in person, on the telephone, and via Skype.  I faithfully wrote my weekly blog. I taught workshops on Life Purpose, Fulfillment, and Leadership at several venues.  Elizabeth and I also taught together, and our “Future Gifts for the Present Moment” sessions were highly successful.  Both of us continue to contribute to the individuals we work with, and to the community as a whole.

Our home was completed in April and we have settled into the Canandaigua, New York community.  I volunteer at the Veterans Hospital and teach a coaching course at the Finger Lakes Community College.

This past year has provided me a better sense of who I am, what I do, and how my behavior impacts others.  My listening skills and empathy have allowed me to appreciate life more and to be more present.  I am my authentic self, doing what I love to do, and contributing to the well-being of others and the world.  I love this guy.

If you would like to do this exercise, please contact me through my website and I will send it to you.

I hope 2010 is the best year of your life; that you honor your values and live your life purpose.  That your life is fulfilled, and you are at peace with who you are and how you contribute.  To paraphrase a Home Depot slogan, “You can do it, I can help!”

“I got my “A” in 2009 because I knew what I wanted and I did it. 
I took care of myself physically.  I finally got down to 180 pounds and stayed there.  I worked out 3 to 4 times a week at the gym or I walked 4 – 8 miles, and I watched what I ate.”

No, I did not get down to 180 pounds.  I did walk 4 miles and went to the gym 2-3 times a week while we were in Mexico.  I watched my food intake and used an on-line calorie counter for 2 months,  Elizabeth and I have joined the local YMCA, and we go to Zumba exercise classes three times a week, and I occasionally go there to play basketball.  While I did not reach my weight goal, I learned about calories and got into better shape.

“Professionally, I took two coaching workshops, and participated in a biweekly “Coaching Roundtable” with Suzanne Damberg and Sandy Grove.  I listened to motivational and life coaching CDs and Podcasts, and read books and articles about life coaching and leadership.  I taught Life and Leadership coaching workshops at Aviana in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania; at Journeys of Life in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; and at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, in Rhinebeck, New York.  Elizabeth and I also co-facilitated our “Insight and Intuition” workshop at Omega in August.  I coached people one-on-one in person and on the telephone.”

I took a NonViolent Communications tele-seminar:  Coaching from the Heart.  In addition to reading most of Marshall Rosenberg’s books on Non-Violent Communications, I read Leadership and Self-deception and Irresistible Communications.  I now have my own Life Coach and I talk with other coaches at least twice a month.  I did a lot of teaching and coaching this year, and have improved my skills, especially my presence, my listening and my empathy. 

“I continued to learn more Spanish and now feel comfortable when talking with local Mexicans.”

We lived in Mexico for 6 months this past year, and while I did not attain fluency, my efforts to learn the language help me to connect to Spanish speakers more authentically.

“I reestablished my relationship with my daughter, Traci.”

This is an on going project in which I have made some unilateral progress.  My studying of NVC and reading of “Leadership and Self-Deception” has given me insights into how the relationship got to where it is, and ways to re-establish a connection.  I have also been talking with my Life Coach about this issue.

“Elizabeth and I grew closer.  Our commitment to each other and to our work together deepened our mutual understanding, and we have become better as a couple, and as teachers and healers.”

Our building of a home in Canandaigua and our teaching together have been exciting and bonding.  We developed a new session together called:  Future Gifts for the Present Moment. We are establishing ourselves in the local community and are settling down.  Through this process we have become closer.

“In 2009, I liberated myself from my fears: my fear of success, my fear of failure, and my fear of simply being myself.  By consciously choosing to be the observer and participant in my life, I was able to “be, here, now.”  That allowed me to listen better, to be more curious, and to trust myself in the moment.  I became more comfortable being me, and therefore a better partner in all of my relationships.”

This is an area where I feel I really earned my A.  All the work I mentioned in the previous paragraphs; the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual growth this year has been the basis of who I am as a person.  I am more authentic because I know and trust myself more, and I have better communication skills.

“This past year I realized What’s Important Now for me, and I became a kinder, gentler person.  With this renewed sense of self, I began to see opportunities in situations where previously I only looked for solutions.  I chose to move towards what I wanted rather than choosing to move away from what I didn’t want.”

YES!

“In 2009, I focused on living and doing what I believe and teach, and in the process I lived a more authentic and fulfilled life. Knowing and honoring my values and living my life purpose helped me to make a difference in my life and in the lives of others.”

With my efforts this year, I have become a better person.  There is still plenty of room for growth, and this week I am going to do the “Give Yourself an A” exercise for 2010.

“I worked hard for my “A” and I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become this year.” 

Another big YES!

How did you do?  Who are you today?  For those of you who did the exercise in 2009, I would love to read your self- evaluation.  Those of you who want to do the exercise for 2010, please contact me through my website and I will email it to you.

I watched the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” this past weekend.  I love that movie for its timeless message, and it provides a great coaching moment.  George Bailey did not recognize or appreciate the impact he had on others’ lives.  Do you recognize or appreciate yours?  Do you know what your impact is?

In coaching we say that the impact you naturally create in the world is your “Life Purpose”, and when you are living your Life Purpose you are fulfilled and making a difference.  I use two techniques for helping my clients discovering their impact.

First, I use a Tony Robbins’ exercise that starts with me asking the client, “When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?” For me, I wanted to be a cowboy, Hopalong Cassidy to be specific.  I wasn’t going to be one of those singing cowboys like Gene Autry or Roy Rogers.  Then I ask the client, “What impact did you want to have?”  What was the impact I wanted to have on others as a cowboy?  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to defend those who couldn’t defend themselves.  I didn’t become a cowboy, and at the same time I joined the Marine Corps and served my country for 26 years defending those who could not defend themselves.  I also wanted to be a salesman, like my dad.  What was the impact I wanted to have as a salesman?  Well to me, at its noblest, sales is about helping people get what they want.  I didn’t become a salesman, and at the same time as a life coach I am helping people get what they want.

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?  What impact did you want to have by being that?

Second, I have a series of visualizations and exercises I use with my clients that generate impressions and allow them to gather insights into the impact they naturally have on others.  After the visualizations and exercises, I coach them on what they came up with.  We look for patterns and key words.  In one hour, we have a draft of the client’s “Life Purpose Statement.”

My Life Purpose , the natural impact I want to have, and my careers have been aligned, and I have lived a fulfilled life.

Your Life Purpose is your life legacy.  What will you leave behind?  What difference will you make in the lives of those you touch?  Answer those questions and start living your “Wonderful Life” now.

In 1976 I read Maxwell Maltz’s, Psycho-Cybernetics” and later I listened to Denis Waitley’s “Psychology of Winning” and I began to understand the power of imagination.  Elizabeth uses the following example in her book, “Wishing”:

Many years ago there was a university study that was performed to assess the power of visualization’s affect on sports performance. There were three groups and each group was assigned the task of shooting a basketball into a hoop. Everyone’s ability was measured initially. The first group shot baskets on a regular schedule. The second group practiced shooting while visualizing each shot as successful and with as much detail as possible. Finally, the third group simply visualized a successful shot. The outcome was as follows:
• The second group improved the most—24 percent better—when they combined actual shooting practice and visualization.
• The third group—that just visualized shooting baskets—followed up second, with a 23 percent improvement.
• The first group that just shot baskets recorded no change.

How does this work.  Well, the body really doesn’t recognize the difference between reality and something vividly imagined.  Think of a time when you were walking around at night and heard a strange rustling noise.  Maybe your first thought was a wild animal, a bear; what did your body do?  Well, probably your heart started pounding, and you went into the flight or fight mode.  How did you feel when you discovered that it was only a squirrel?

In the spring of 1977, I decided to run the Marine Corps Marathon in November. Up till then I was only running 3-5 miles a day.  When I read about training for a Marathon all of the advice said that you needed to run at least 50-75 miles a week; some quick math tells you that translates into 8.3 to 12.5 miles a day if you run 6 days a week.  Moreover, I set the goal of finishing the run in less than 4 hours.  So I began increasing my daily runs and soon was running 8-10 miles a day with ease.  I was 33.  Youth helps.

I would also meditate and visualize the entire Marathon.  I would see myself at the start, loosening up and stretching, then I vividly imagined myself running, 5, 10, 15 20 miles, and finally I saw myself crossing the finish line with a smile on my face, my head up, and still running.  On November 9, 1977, I did just that, and my time was 3 hours 53 minutes and 9 seconds.

Since then I have used this technique in preparation for tough conversations, basketball games, attempting new skills, teaching classes, etc.  Professional and Olympic athletes are the masters of visualization.  When you visualize, your performance is perfect, and as you vividly imagine what you want to do, your body muscles and mind respond as if they were actually doing it.  You learn as you visualize.

What is it that you want to accomplish?  What do you want to do?  Don’t worry about the how; develop a compelling vision of yourself succeeding. Then simply Relax, Visualize, And Succeed!

For each of your top five values, remember a time when you fully honored that value.  Then for each value ask:
a. What defining moment epitomizes each value?
b. What is a metaphor that helps you visualize the defining moment or captures the essence of the experience?

Here are the results of my work:

1. Authenticity – being myself, saying and doing what I believe, trusting myself,  speaking up, owning my magnificence
a. When I am coaching
b. The Rock of Gibraltar

2.   Contribution – to the well-being of others through Habitat For Humanity (HFHI), coaching, donations, listening, being present
a. While working with HFHI
b. The Yin Yang Symbol

3.   Freedom – Knowing what I want; and being able to say “no” to what I don’t want, and to ask for what I do want
a. The last few years at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies
b. Sakura – the Japanese Cherry Tree

4. Simplicity – organized, uncluttered, direct in communications
a. While living in my condo after retiring, walking the Appalachian Trail, living in a tent.
b. The Lone Wolf

5. Fun – humor, laughter, being able to laugh at myself
a. Daily enjoying the mysteries and wonder of life
b. The Laughing Buddha

6. Purpose – Being a part of something bigger than myself

7. Connection – being a part of the community and having heart to heart partnerships based on trust and love

8. Teamwork – working with others for the greatest good

9. Growth – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually – reading, studying, taking classes

10. Respect – being accepted for who I am, accepting others for who they are

What are your values?  What are the defining moments for those values?  What is the metaphor that captures the essence of each of your values?

Win, I love this job! You know, writing you every day.

Do you know how I got it?

No, besides being the Universe and getting whatever I want.

Yes! I just started doing it.

And that’s all anything takes.

  The Universe (http://www.tut.com)

I get a message from the Universe everyday.  Well, I was surprised to find out the Universe does not work on weekends, but Monday through Friday it is the first thing I read in the morning.  The above was today’s message.

What do you want to do? 

As the Universe says, just start doing it, and trust yourself and the Universe.  Here are two pretty smart people who believe that: 

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”  Paulo Coehlo, “The Alchemist

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”  Be Thankful today, and get started on the rest of your life now.

The first session I received was on values.  Values are who we are and what we do, and one way to uncover them is to talk about a peak experience in your life.  A peak moment is defined as a time when life is flowing and easy.  It doesn’t mean there are no challenges, but in those moments you don’t dwell on them, you move through them.  I chose the first season I worked at The Omega Institute for Holistic Studies in the summer of 1994, and with the help of my coach, I came up with the following values, in no particular order:  Connection, teamwork, community, authenticity, simplicity, respect, freedom, purpose, contribution and growth.

After the session, as I was pondering these values, I remembered 4 other peak moments in my life:  In 1961 during my senior season of High School football, the summer of 1964, 1976-79 when I was training Marine Corps second lieutenants, and 1990-92 when I was the project manager for the Army-Marine Corps program to develop Unmanned Ground Vehicles.  In each of these instances, I found that the above values were present.  I then thought of challenging times in my life, and the first thing I noticed was that only about ½ of those values were being honored by me, and I was not happy and probably not productive.

In another session, I confirmed my life purpose:  “I am the round table at which the community gathers to nourish itself.”  During the session my limiting beliefs and blocks came up.  I want to coach more people because I believe in the process, I want to contribute more, and I have received personal benefits from being coached.  I, however, don’t advertise my services because at times I don’t totally own the fact that I am a coach.  With some excellent coaching I was able to acknowledge that coaching is in my nature, and it fulfills my life purpose.  Further, when I am coaching I am honoring the above values.

So, in order to facilitate my growth as a coach and the growth of my coaching practice, I am lowering my monthly fees to $250 from $350 for my blog readers.  I ask that you consider accepting me as your coach or recommending me to someone who is ready to be coached.  Remember, I offer a complimentary 30 minute session as an introduction to me and my coaching style.

Contact me!  Coaching is good and it really works.

Recently I helped a friend build a fence in his backyard.  We are both frequent Habitat for Humanity Volunteers who normally require close supervision, but we did this by ourselves. 

I am proud of the fence, and the work reminded me of some of my life lessons.

I was reminded about how much I have learned from working at Habitat.  My first lesson came in 1993 when I was helping some other volunteers replace studs in a wall.  I was handing tools, nails, and wood to the man who was doing the work, and I was content with my duties.  After about a half an hour, however, the man says, “Win, I want you do replace the next one.”  I froze in place.  I meekly asked, “What if I screw it up?”  He replied, “Well, we will simply do it over.”  Wow, simply do it over!  No recrimination, no shaming, no sarcasm; we would just do it over.  That was hard for me to imagine because until then I didn’t know that was a possibility. Aha!

I was reminded of what I learned in 1996 while going to ACOA meetings (Adult Children of Alcoholics).  The first meeting I attended I cried the entire time.  The meetings are always started with a reading of “The Problem.”  This is a description of the characteristics of an ACOA, and I was deeply moved because I felt seen.  When I heard the words I felt vulnerable and safe, and I allowed the years of pain to flow from me.

At the 3rd or 4th meeting a member who was acting as the facilitator began his portion of the meeting with the words, “Good fences make good neighbors.”  He said that ACOAs either have high walls that cannot be penetrated or no walls where that allow in everyone and everything.  A good fence protects you, and at the same time allows you to interact effectively with others.  They are boundaries.  BOUNDARIES!  I had heard the term, but never really understood what it meant until then.  That was another “Aha!” moment for me.

Here are some helpful definitions:
Good fences make good neighbors. 
Good neighbors respect one another’s property. Good farmers, for example, maintain their fences in order to keep their livestock from wandering onto neighboring farms. This proverb appears in the poem “Mending Wall,” by Robert Frost.  From the Cultural Dictionary on line.
Boundaries
The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. When appropriate boundaries are not set, we run the risk of becoming either too detached from or too dependent upon others.  From About.com.

One of the reasons I am a good coach is because I have been where many of my clients are, and I know that because they are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, they too can overcome the obstacles that are preventing them from living more fulfilled lives.  Developing good boundaries is the first step, and that is done by learning to ask for what you want and to say “no” to what you don’t want.

The screen door, the invisible fence, and the leg chain are learned limitations.  In coaching, we call these limiting beliefs because they keep individuals from achieving their full potential and getting what they want.

How can you tell if you have limiting beliefs?  Do you say you “can’t” do something, or do you make excuses for not doing something?  For instance do you believe any of the following?

I don’t want to be rich because rich people are greedy and mean.
I don’t want to be a leader because they are authoritative and don’t care about their employees.
I am not smart enough, and/or I don’t have enough experience to get that job.
I am not lovable.
I am a klutz and I always break things.
That someone or everyone is pushing your “buttons?”

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  Is there a doorway you won’t go through because you believe there is a barrier there?  Is there an “invisible” fence confining you to a small area of your life?  Do you remain where you are because you believe that you are still anchored by your childhood or your old belief system?

I have helped many people overcome their limiting beliefs.  One person was afraid of “confrontations” so she did not speak up or share her ideas.  I suggested that she change her confrontations to “clarifications.”  Within minutes she was liberated from her limiting belief, and was able to express herself freely with everyone.  Isn’t it time that you stopped living small and shared your greatness with the universe?

I heard David Whyte say this about 12 years ago, and it has become the basis of my coaching.  A deer reaches its full potential as a deer, a flower reaches its full potential as a flower, but we have free will and we can make choices, and therefore we sometimes do not reach our full potentials.  At times, we make decisions or choices that are not in our own best interest, because we are not conscious of our blossoming.  In coaching, reaching your full potential, blossoming, means that you are living your life purpose, and your Life Purpose is the natural impact you have in this world.

While in Costa Rica a couple of years ago, I watched a hummingbird pollinating flowers.  What surprised me was that after furiously hovering while pollinating the flowers, the humming bird landed on a branch and rested.  I had never seen a hummingbird be still.  Similarly I watched some bumble bees fulfill their life purpose pollinating flowers on the café deck at Omega this summer.  I was fascinated by their focus.  Again, they were doing what they are designed to do.  I like to nature and this week I had the opportunity to watch deer, chipmunks, and birds as they are preparing for winter; they were all doing what they are designed to do, continuing to “blossom.” 

Once more, David Whyte describes this process of living your life purpose best in his Crossing the Unknown Sea:

“You are like Rilke’s Swan in his awkward waddling across the ground; the swan doesn’t cure his awkwardness by beating himself on the back, by moving faster, or by trying to organize himself better. He does it by moving toward the elemental water where he belongs. It is the simple contact with the water that gives him grace and presence. You only have to touch the elemental waters in your own life, and it will transform everything. But you have to let yourself down into those waters from the ground on which you stand, and that can be hard. Particularly if you think you might drown.”

Imagine what your life would be like if you knew what you were designed to do, knew where you belonged, and were moving towards your elemental water, your life purpose, effortlessly.  What if I told you that you do know all this, and the reason you are stuck is because you are afraid that “you might drown.”  A life coach can help you to live the life you were designed to live, to blossom, and to live a fulfilled life.

I wrote my Life Purpose statement in 1998, and it has been the driving force in my life since.  What is your Life Purpose?