As I got closer to town, the road seemed to narrow as if I were entering a time tunnel.  Driving over the rolling hills of my youth brought peacefulness to me; my senses were heightened by the sights, sounds, and smells of returning to the familiar - my comfort zone.  To this day, the sounds and smell of steam radiator heat reminds me of my elementary school. 

I immediately went and picked up Moose.  We have known each other since before elementary school.  We drove around town.  We talked at times, but sometimes we just rode in silence.  There is a bond between Moose and I that transcends conversation.  He is the definition of friendship.  No matter how far I traveled, and no matter how long I went without reaching out to him, I knew he was always there for me.  And, whenever we reconnect it is as if we had been in contact daily.

I laughed a lot this weekend; sometimes at myself.  In our high school year book, there was a list of the 50 honor graduates.  My name was 13th.  Judy Emery was 9th.  I told her, jokingly, that I couldn’t believe that she was ahead of me in the standings.  Judy, who in that moment proved why she should be ahead of me, said, “Win, you do know that it is an alphabetical listing?”  No, I didn’t.

There were several players from our football team.  We talked about football camp, the games, and Lindy Lauro.  Lindy is a legend in High School coaching in Pennsylvania.  We were the first football team he coached in his long and illustrious career.  He taught us how to win; to take pride in what we do; and to never give up.  He was a great role model of what a leader and a man can be.

While in New Castle I thought about Miss Gilson my 3rd grade teacher and first basketball coach.  She taught me about teamwork, fair play and hard work.  And, Ralph Pugh my junior high school coach who taught me the basic skills of basketball and football, and he helped me to believe in myself.

There are so many people from my youth who contributed to who I am; friends, teachers, neighbors, teammates, coaches, ministers, and everyone else I interacted with.  I have thanked a lot of them, but not often enough, nor have I thanked them all.  I imagine that many do not even know how important they were and are to me.

What I like about High School Reunions is I am with the people who were with me when I was learning how to be in this world. They are a part of me.  We shared the most impressionable times of our lives together, and as we stumbled and bumbled our way through the early mysteries of life we forged a bond. Today we are all in our middle sixties and most of us retired.  We have relaxed into who we are, and are much like we were when we were young and carefree.  Returning home and being with them reminded me of this TS Eliot quote:  “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” I love New Castle!

Who do you want to thank for contributing to your life?  Is there a friend you keep wanting to call?  Start today.  I was 18 about a week ago, and today I am 66.  Time flies.

Susan Buisch taught a wonderful class.  She was an authority on the subject and she presented the information well.  As with most classes, I found the material to be another opportunity for internal exploration. 

For instance, one of the things I learned is that at the end of life, many people ask themselves: Who am I?

What a wonderful question!

To help us answer that question, Susan asked us to write our own obituary.  This was a daunting task, but what a learning experience!

If the thought of writing an obituary stops you, write your own eulogy.  What would you say about yourself? What are you most proud of?  How would you like to be remembered?

Another exercise was to think about what you would do if you knew you only had two months to live, and you would be healthy to the end.  What would you do?

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
Mary Oliver – When Death Comes

What is one thing you can start doing today to ensure that you are not simply visiting?  What is one thing you can start doing today to contribute to the well-being of others?

How does he do it?  First, he establishes trust.  You feel safe in his class because “nobody gets to be wrong.”  Second, he believes that everyone can paint.  Third, he combines teaching and coaching to help his students. 

My philosophy of coaching is similar.  While I believe that everyone is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole and they know what they want, I also believe that a good coach teaches.  There are certain basics associated with any endeavor.  For instance, knowing the keys and practicing the scales in music; dribbling, shooting and passing in basketball; the proper stance, blocking, and tackling in football.  Life has basics also, and here are the ones I teach in my coaching:  Saying No to things you don’t what to do; asking for what you want; getting rid of the idea that you “have to” do anything; and understanding that your beliefs are just that “your beliefs.”  The last one is especially powerful because if you don’t realize that, and you act as if they are true then you may be limiting yourself, and keeping yourself from becoming the person you were meant to be.  Can you think of a belief of yours that is limiting you today?

I believe that everything we do can be a metaphor for our lives.  What I learned in John’s painting class are the same things that I need in my life.  To be successful, I need to understand the basics skills and techniques of what I am doing.  A blank canvas and a vision of what I want is a wonderful, scary, and exhilarating moment.  Having a trusted partner, a coach/ teacher, accelerates my learning and helps me to become the person I am meant to be SOONER. 

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Well, most of us don’t have an infinite amount of time, and without teachers/coaches like John Leone we won’t achieve the visions we have. 

Want to learn more?  Schedule a complimentary session with me by clicking here.

You can do it!  I can help. 

I want to be your coach.

“The Wizard of Oz” has been analyzed and reviewed by movie critics, economists, psychologists, politicians, etc.  You can find all of that online. I believe, however, that the Wizard of Oz was one of the world’s first and possibly best Life Coaches.  First, he trusted that Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Tin Man, and The Lion were naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.  This is a basic principle of coaching.  Second, he trusted that they all knew what they wanted, but were being blocked from accessing it. This is another basic principle of coaching.  Third, he trusted the coaching process. Another basic principle.  And finally, the Wizard worked holistically with the Body, Mind, and Spirit – Brain, Heart, and Courage.

And what did the Wizard really do?  He helped Dorothy’ friends get past their limiting beliefs:  I don’t have a brain! I don’t have a heart! I am not courageous!  How did he do it?  Well, he asked them what they wanted, and then used a structure (a diploma, a clock, and a medal) to remind them that what they wanted was already inside them. 

I know that sounds simplistic, and at the same time, I believe that is how coaching works.  Want to try it?  You can schedule a complimentary session with me by clicking here. 

I worked there for 15 years and when I visit I still feel like I am going home.  We saw Jill, the housing Goddess, who is also an Author and Astrologist.  We were talking about cats, and Jill said she and her husband, Vijai, were thinking about getting one.  However, Jill said that she is allergic to cats, and Vijai believes he is because that is what his mother told him.  What a great teaching point.  A lot of what we believe is because one of our parents told us it was true.

For instance, when I retired from the Marine Corps in 1992 my Military Identification Card said that I was 5’10”, 170 pounds with brown hair and hazel eyes.  Well, I was 5’10” for about three days in 1971, then gravity took over and today I am now around 5’7”.  In 1992 I only dreamed of being 170 pounds again, and my hair was already gray by the late 1980s.  Most interestingly, however, is that my eyes probably have always been blue.  Why did my ID card say I had hazel eyes?  Well, it was because my mother once told me my eyes were Hazel; and that is what I wrote down on one of the many forms I filled out as I entered the Marine Corps in 1966. 

My theory is that many of our beliefs come from the A.I.R.  By A.I.R. I mean, Adults telling us things Intensely or Repeatedly.  I have found over the years that these are often our most limiting beliefs, and we are normally not even aware of them.  We simply believe them to be true because an adult told us.  My eye color may be an extreme case, but I believed it to be true.  Vijai believes that he is allergic to cats.

What do you believe because you were told it was true by an adult when you were growing up?  How does it limit you? 

When I was in Seattle in the late 90s, I went to a psychologist ONE TIME.  I was telling her my life story, and I mentioned that during a music class in third grade the teacher told me to lip-sync.  Well, I stopped singing completely.  The therapist asked, “Do you want to sing?”  I mumbled a yes, and she said, “Then sing!”  I was in my middle 50s, and I re-learned it was that simple.  If I wanted to do something, then I could just do it!

One of my quickest and most successful coaching sessions occurred at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.  A young woman showed up 15 minutes late for her 30 minute appointment.  I dispensed with my normal “introduction to coaching” spiel and asked her, “What do you want?”  She said that she wanted to sing with others.  I asked her what was she doing now, and she replied that she only sang by herself.  I then asked her if she knew of any others who wanted to sing also.  Her eyes got big and she said she believed that several people got together on Tuesday nights and sang in the staff lounge.  I then asked her three of the most important coaching questions:
Would you be willing to ask if you can join their group?  Yes
When will you do this?  Next Tuesday
How will I know you did this?  She hesitated and then said she would tell me the next time she saw me the dining hall.

That coaching session was about 5 minutes long.

When I saw her a few days later, she really didn’t need to tell me anything.  She was alive with joy and excitement.  She was singing with the group and they had started meeting twice a week. 

To me coaching really is that simple, and the results are profound.  I can help you identify what is limiting you from being the full magnificent person you were meant to be.  I can help you change behaviors that are not serving you.  I can help you clarify what you want, and help you develop steps to get it.

Do you want to experience what coaching can do for you?  Click here to schedule a 30 minute complimentary coaching session with me.

You can do it!  I can help. I want to be your coach!

Last Friday I walked about 3 miles.  Well, actually I rode most of the distance in a golf cart.  I was playing a round of golf with good friends and the weather was ideal, and I had a miserable day.  I shot a 114, and ruined a perfectly good walk!!!

2 months ago I was playing good golf.  For me that means I was shooting in the 90s, sometimes even the low 90s.  Two years ago, I shot an 86 on the Red Course at Bethpage State Park.

When a client has a day like I had on Friday I always ask, “What did you learn from the experience?”  A very good question for me.  Well, I learned that golf is a lot like life in that our self image determines how well we do.
 
Denis Waitley says that our self-image acts like a thermostat.  We set the thermostat at a certain temperature, and when the room temperature goes above or below that level,the heating or cooling system comes on to get the temperature back to the set level.  Our self image works the same way.  For instance, recently on days when I play good golf on the front 9, let’s say I shoot a 45, I feel a bit uncomfortable because lately I have been seeing myself as a 95 -100 golfer, and in that moment I am playing way above that level.  My inner thermostat adjusts my game automatically to my “self image.”  On the back 9, I start using my sand, water, and woods seeking ball, and I end up shooting a 50 or more, which is more like me.  The total for 18 holes is above 95, right where I “should” be according to my self image.

Does your self image limit you?  Think about a time when your inner thermostat adjusted your behavior or performance to align with your self image.  What did you learn from that experience?

While your self image determines how well you do, remember you are responsible for how you feel and think about yourself.  If your self image is holding you back; change it.  You can do it, I can help.

I am now seeing myself as a low 90s golfer again.  I will post my scores every week.

And, here is Mark Twain’s answer to the title question:  “The game of golf ruins a perfectly good walk.”  On Friday Mr. Twain was right.

We have seen a coyote, a doe with a fawn, 4 wild turkeys, and an assortment of birds.  Our two blue bird houses are occupied, and a humming bird flew past our porch the other night.  Life is good!

My friend Cathleen O’Conner wrote a wonderful blog about saying “No” in her June 2010 Balance Beam Newsletter.  I wrote and told her that almost everyone I talk with is challenged when it comes to saying no.  And, I believe that the ability to say “no” is the key to living a balanced and fulfilled life.  How good are you at saying “No” to things you don’t want to do?  This is important because when you say “yes” to anything, you are in effect saying “no” to something else.  How about the next time you are confronted by this challenge you pause, take a breath, and think about what you would be saying “no” to if you said “yes.”  Then make your choice.  And remember, you can also negotiate or make a counter offer.  For instance a friend asks you to go to the movies tonight, and you already have plans to spend the evening alone with a good book.  You can say, “No, I want to spend this evening reading.  Would you like to go to the movies tomorrow night?”

MeMe the wonder cat is a good teacher.  She makes it very clear when she doesn’t want to do something, and I can see no sign of her worrying about what we think, or about hurting our feelings.  She knows what she wants and I believe she trusts us to be able to understand that.  I also believe that she knows that we will love her anyway.  That’s what friends do.

I haven’t written a blog in about a month.  The finishing of the house, the closing with the bank, the moving in, and a wonderful trip to the Sun Valley Wellness Festival in Idaho were higher priorities.  I simply said “No” to writing my blog because I wanted to take care of the above. 

I am back now and will be writing regularly.  I have missed exploring my own life through my connection with you.

We have seen a coyote, a doe with a fawn, 4 wild turkeys, and an assortment of birds.  Our two blue bird houses are occupied, and a humming bird flew past our porch the other night.  Life is good!

My friend Cathleen O’Conner wrote a wonderful blog about saying “No” in her June 2010 Balance Beam Newsletter.  I wrote and told her that almost everyone I talk with is challenged when it comes to saying no.  And, I believe that the ability to say “no” is the key to living a balanced and fulfilled life.  How good are you at saying “No” to things you don’t want to do?  This is important because when you say “yes” to anything, you are in effect saying “no” to something else.  How about the next time you are confronted by this challenge you pause, take a breath, and think about what you would be saying “no” to if you said “yes.”  Then make your choice.  And remember, you can also negotiate or make a counter offer.  For instance a friend asks you to go to the movies tonight, and you already have plans to spend the evening alone with a good book.  You can say, “No, I want to spend this evening reading.  Would you like to go to the movies tomorrow night?”

MeMe the wonder cat is a good teacher.  She makes it very clear when she doesn’t want to do something, and I can see no sign of her worrying about what we think, or about hurting our feelings.  She knows what she wants and I believe she trusts us to be able to understand that.  I also believe that she knows that we will love her anyway.  That’s what friends do.

I haven’t written a blog in about a month.  The finishing of the house, the closing with the bank, the moving in, and a wonderful trip to the Sun Valley Wellness Festival in Idaho were higher priorities.  I simply said “No” to writing my blog because I wanted to take care of the above. 

I am back now and will be writing regularly.  I have missed exploring my own life through my connection with you.

Oh, and last weekend I told a couple of friends that I will participate in the Canandaigua Mini-Triathlon in September.  All of this, and I am taking a coaching class, and working with clients.  And, I just remembered that I am going to start volunteering at the local VA Hospital this month.

Somewhere in this frenzy of activity, and the excitement of the moment, I committed to starting a newsletter this month.  Once more I am learning what I have been teaching.  The purpose of the newsletter is to reach more people and contribute to their lives.  Quite frankly, however, I am not really taking care of myself right now.  So, I looked at my values:  Integrity, Contribution, Autonomy, Simplicity, and Fun.  The first two I am very satisfied with, so I give them an 8 on a scale of 1 – 10 (with 10 being high).  The next three values seem to have fallen down and they can’t get up.  I would give them, 6, 5, and 5 respectively.  When we are not honoring our values life can be bumpy. So I am not surprised that I am very a bit anxious.

My coach, Debbie Berkana, has been very helpful.  Being a client is a wonderful way to learn how to coach.  During our session on Tuesday, I committed to taking a 10 minute meditative break every day, and going for a run/walk of 1 – 2 miles three times a week.  And, in an effort to make my life easier, I have added her phone number to my speed dial, moved the writing of my blog to Thursdays, and decided to delay my newsletter until next month. Ah, Peace of mind!  Now I have time to look for other ways that I can simplify my life and bring me more peace.

You know, this coaching thing really works.  What could you do to make your life easier and have more peace of mind?  You can do it!  I can help.

As most of you know, I pass out laminated copies of Marianne Williamson’s “Our deepest fear…” quote from her book “Return to Love.”  I have been teaching people for years that their “playing small does not serve the world,” and yet lately I have been playing small myself.

Well, I am now learning what I teach and I am going to walk the talk.  This past month I updated my profile on LinkedIn, and asked for some recommendations.  Then I sent out a survey to former clients to get their input on my coaching.  Specifically, I asked

1. What did you specifically achieve or do differently as a direct result of my coaching you?
2. What did you specifically learn about yourself as a direct result of my coaching you?
3. Which of my techniques, questions, or exercises benefited you most?
4. What 5 words would you use to describe me when I was at my best in coaching you?

I have gotten some thoughtful responses already. If I have coached you, please feel free to send me your answers to the above questions.  I am also taking a coaching workshop with Ben Dooley.  Next month I am starting a newsletter.  In the past 14 days, two friends have approached me about partnering with them on some business opportunities.  And, I am starting to volunteer at the local Veterans Administration Hospital.

My satisfaction level has gone up dramatically.

As homework for the coaching workshop, I am offering 15 minute practice coaching sessions.  This is not a marketing or selling campaign, I am using these sessions to practice to be a better coach.  I want to ensure you, however, that while the sessions are practice for me, my intention is to provide you with great coaching.  We will forward the action or deepen the learning in some part of your life.  The sessions are just 15 minutes, and the offer is open until June 2.  Click here to make an appointment with me.  If you can’t find a time that works next week, please try again the following week.

I will publish my first newsletter on May 15th.  If you would like to sign up to receive it, please click here.

The question to ask yourself this week is:

What are you teaching others, but not doing for yourself?

The GPS is the second or third best invention since the toaster.  I first bought one several years ago. The salesperson, almost apologetically, told me it was only accurate within 27 feet.  As if that was a problem.  I owned a 1986 Honda Prelude for 10 years and put 250,000 plus miles on it.  I believe 100,000 of those miles were because I was lost.

I, like most users of a GPS, trust the system explicitly.  We know that if we enter where we want to go, the system will get us there; even if we miss a turn or get lost, the system will automatically recalculate new directions to our destination. Recalculating becomes a familiar and comforting word. 

Do you know how those systems work?  I don’t either.  I know as much about them as I know about electricity.  I am confident, however, that when I turn the light switch to on, the light will come on.  Somethings we don’t need to know; somethings we only need to trust..

Now I believe we all have a “Wants Internal Navigational (WIN) system” that works like the GPS. I base that on personal experience and these two statements:

Paulo Coelho said in The Alchemist: “When you really want something to happen, the whole Universe conspires so that your wish comes true.” 

David Whyte ends his poem, Waking, with these words: “Everything you need you had the moment before you were born.” 

Do you believe these two quotes? 

Ironically, most people trust their car’s GPS more than they trust their own WIN system.  What if you miss a turn, or take the wrong turn, or get lost in your life?  What keeps you from simply recalculating?  What gets in the way of you trusting yourself?

Last Thursday, my friend Rich and I drove his pickup truck down to Philadelphia to get an office desk.  My friends Don and Darcy are moving and wanted to get rid of the desk.  We played golf in the afternoon and then loaded the truck after dark.  I think that was best, because it was not pretty.  We did it in just under 2 ½ hours.  Yes, there was only one desk, but there were three men.  You can do the math.

I wanted the desk for two reasons.  First, I like the desk; I look and feel like a young executive when I sit behind it.  Second, and more importantly, we want to have things in our house that remind us of our friends, and their love and support.  We also got a beautiful sofa from Rich and Meg, and a rocking chair from Gerry and Laura.

I went to the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies for the first time with Don and Gerry when we attended Phil Jackson’s “Beyond Basketball” workshop in 1991.  I had met Gerry in 1982 when I moved to Haddonfield, New Jersey.  I met Don, Gerry’s college roommate, shortly thereafter.  They were both instrumental in my starting to work at Omega in 1994.  And that is where I met Rich.  Elizabeth and I moved to Canandaigua specifically to be near Rich and Meg.  I hope you followed that explanation, but it is not really important if you didn’t.  The point is that in 1991 I had no idea that I would be here in Canandaigua today.  The journey has been wonderful and exciting, if not direct.  That is how my life has been.

Having the furniture of our friends in our new home will also give it a sense of familiarity.  Our friends’ presence will remind us of who we are and who helped and supported us on our journey.  I believe we are honoring our friendships.  And, it is a form of recycling. 
This week I want you to think about who helped you to get where you are.  How do you remember them, and how can you honor them?

As a matter of fact, from a life coach perspective building a house is very similar to building a life.  First, you start with a plan, and it is a good idea to hire an architect to help you.  Do you have a life plan?  I have read that most people will spend more time planning a party than they will planning their lives.  Second, you need to hire a general contractor to help you with the construction.  Do you have some expert helping you build your life?  Third, a house begins with a good foundation.  What is the foundation of your life like?

To me a good foundation for life is
1. Knowing your Life Purpose (developing your plan).  What to you want your life to look like?  Who do you want to be?
2. Clarifying your values (getting the building materials).  What is important to you?  What makes you happy?
3. Developing a support network (hiring an architect and a general contractor).  What does your support network look life?  Who is missing?  What skills or expertise do you need in your life at this time?

When are you going to start building the life you want?
There are plenty of exercises to get you started on planning your life.  In 1997 I found an interesting exercise in Reader’s Digest.  It was simple:  list the 50 things you want to do before you die.  I started quickly as I suspect most people do.  By the time I got to the mid-20s I was listing things like, floss my teeth daily, take out the garbage on a regular basis, etc.  In my top 10, however, there was go to Mexico, hike in Grand Canyon, and visit Key Largo.  Within 12 months I had done all three.  In addition I studied Spanish before I went to Mexico, I got into shape before I went hiking in the Grand Canyon, and I re-watched the Humphrey Bogart movie, Key Largo, and listened to Bertie Higgins sing Key Largo before I went there.

Here is another one I talked about in a previous blog:  The Witness Protection Program. 

If you want to get started, I offer a complimentary coaching strategy session.  Please click here to make an appointment.  Remember, if you are ready and willing to do the work, I want to be your coach.

In November 2008, I started my weekly blog.  I have enjoyed writing these, and I hope you have enjoyed reading them.  Next month, I am going to start a monthly newsletter.  I want to contribute more, and this is one vehicle I am going to use.  You can sign up for it now by clicking here.  Also, if you have any ideas about what you would like me to write about or any thoughts you have on the format of the newsletter, please send them to me. 

The poet David Whyte ends his poem, “Waking,” with these words:  “Everything you need you had the moment before you were born.”  You are the repository of all knowledge about yourself, however, in order to access this knowledge you need to ask the right question or ask your question in the right way. That can be a frustrating process.

I have helped hundreds of people in accessing this knowledge.  I have helped hundreds of people clarify what they want?  I have helped hundreds of people develop steps to reach their goals and to live more fulfilled lives?  I ask the right questions in the right way.  I listen to your response, and I give you feedback, not advice.

On my website, I have a “Got Questions” page where you can experience the types of questions I, as your coach, will ask you.  Really, they are questions you could ask yourself and answer.  My experience, however, is that many of us don’t ask these questions, and some of us who do ask them are not honest with ourselves in those moments.  As your coach I will hold you accountable for your answers and for taking steps toward living a more fulfilled life.

If you would like a 30 minute complimentary coaching strategy session click here, and make an appointment.  If you are ready and willing to do the work, then I want to be your coach.

You can do it; I can help. 

First, they said that if they could live their lives over again, they would be more reflective.
Second, if they could live their lives over again, they would take more risks.
Third, if they could live their lives over again, they would understand what really gave them fulfillment.

Do you allow yourself time for reflection?  Do you take risks? Do you know what fulfillment means to you? 
I believe those three questions really define a process. Being reflective about your life allows you to be more willing to take risks. Taking risks gives you feedback on what fulfillment means to you.  When you reflect on and understand what fulfillment means to you, you are more open to taking risks.

As a coach I can help YOU reflect on YOUR life and deepen the learning about yourself.  I can help YOU become comfortable with taking risks.  I can help YOU learn what fulfillment means to YOU. 

To paraphrase a Home Depot slogan:  You can do it; I can help!

If you want to experience how I can help, go to the following site and make a 30 minute Complimentary Coaching appointment with me:  http://winharper.appointy.com/. 

I want to be your coach!

A picture might be worth a thousand words, but the right picture frame makes a big difference in how the message is received.  A friend of mine who owned a picture framing business once told me that every picture is made better by the right frame.  She also said that every picture deserves a good frame.

Do you have an image of yourself that is in an old frame?  Maybe your parents framed it for you when you were very young.  Imagine if changing your self-image was as simple as reframing an old picture? 

I watched a lot of this year’s Winter Olympics.  I really enjoyed seeing individuals competing at the highest possible level in their sport.  Many of them trained most of their lives for this one chance, and yet there was only one “winner”, one Gold Medalist.  Picture yourself dedicating your entire life for one purpose, and NOT winning.  How would you frame that image of yourself?  Would you capture that moment with a “loser” frame?  Would you surround the event with an “I did my best” frame?  Which frame would you choose?  And how would it affect your self-image, and your life?

You can and you do choose how you frame your life’s pictures.  Are you choosing frames that enhance your image or ones that diminish you?  Does the frame provide you proper boundaries or does it box you into a way of life?  The frames you choose reflect your attitude towards life and yourself, and they define your self-image.

This week look at some old pictures of yourself.  How are they framed?  What is another perspective of those images of yourself?  How would you reframe them today?

“Then daddy came in to kiss his little man
With gin on his breath and a Bible in his hand
He talked about honor and things I should know.”

I like the line, “He talked about honor and things I should know.”  I often think about the things my father talked to me about, and what I talked about with my daughter.  Quite frankly, not much comes up.

Two years ago I took a memoirs writing course at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.  One of the assignments was to write 2 pages about “instructions to the child you once were.”  I was amazed at the things I had not been told and what I had not told my daughter, like,
Wake up each morning knowing the day is yours
Eat a good breakfast
Take time to reflect
Be curious
Take risks
Know what fulfills you
Take time for children and old people
Be grateful
Laugh
Be a part of something bigger than yourself
Know your needs
Take long walks in the woods, and always be aware of where the sun is
Stop often; listen, smell, taste, touch, see
Choose Kindness over being right
Be fair
Do things that make you happy
Read
Love
Ask for help
Be sad, mad, glad, and scared
Dream big
Listen to yourself, Listen to others
Trust yourself, trust others
Fall down, get back up

Grace Gravelle, a friend of mine, is writing a book for her niece about “all the things I’ve learned.”  What a wonderful gift! 

Think about what advice you would have liked to have had, and give it to yourself now; journal about it, say it out loud to yourself, get friends together and discuss it.  I think you will like the list you come up with.

Here are two more quotes that may help you get started:

Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
            Robert Fulghum
And this one which I really like, and abide by:
If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it.
          H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Elizabeth and I are taking Zumba exercise classes at our local Y.M.C.A.  Funny how life is:  I have danced more this past three months than I have my entire life.  I even practiced one of the moves I was having difficulty with at home.  Amazingly, I am actually beginning to feel the music within me.  The only other time I felt this was in a workshop with Gabrielle Roth in 1995.

Music has always been an important part of my life.  I grew up in the 50’s and early 60’s, and the songs and singers from that era still bring a smile to my face.  Roy Orbison, The 5 Satins, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Ferlin Husky, Dell Shannon, Connie Francis, Little Richard, The Kalin Twins, Peggy March, and the list goes on.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am an obsessive watcher of the Time-Life music series on TV.  I watch those video clips of singers from my past, and I can see the joy in their eyes and feel the music in their souls.

I once tried to choose my top 10 songs of all time; I got down to about 100, and couldn’t eliminate any more.  Some songs vividly evoke memories of people, places, things, or times; and some are simply mesmerizing.

While on the Appalachian Trail in 1996, I had Bonnie Tyler’s, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” stuck in my head for days!  Worse, I only knew about two lines: Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming around, and don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark, We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks…. A few days later, as I was eating lunch at a restaurant just off the trail that song was played on the sound system.  I know that happens a lot and I have thought about it often.  I have time.  I don’t believe that I manifested the song, but I was attuned to the sound because it has been in my head so much.  The song would have played without my thoughts, but if I wasn’t focused on it, I might have missed it.  That is why focusing on what you want is so important.  It attunes you to opportunities that the Universe presents to you daily.  When we are not sure of what we want we miss those chances.

Today, I use music in my workshops and classes. Normally I ask, “What is your theme song?”  I got the idea from the movie,  I’m Gonna Git You Sucka (1988).  Here is the relevant scene:

Jack Spade: [looks at musicians] Who are these guys?
John Spade: They’re my theme music. Every hero’s got to have some.

I believe we are all heroes and we are on our own hero’s journey.  Having “our theme song” in our heads helps us to be aware of who we are, and to give soul to the universe.  What songs inspire you?  What is your theme song? 

I recommend you choose a theme song and have an inspirational songs playlist on your IPod that you can listen to when you want to motivate yourself, and “to give wings to your mind, flight to your imagination.” 

I had an interesting interaction with my General Contractor on Monday.  We were discussing the bathroom supplies and I showed him my Excel Spreadsheet of the toilets, tubs, faucets, and sinks that I wanted from the Bath Supplies store.  The salesperson from that store had faxed my contractor a list of those items, but there was a conflict in the model numbers and descriptions.  I told the contractor that my information was correct, but he was insistent that I could be wrong, and he wanted to use the company’s information.  I reiterated that I wanted what was on my spreadsheet. 

Well, the conversation deteriorated when he called the company, and they told him that I had ordered a 60” tub.  That was all I needed to hear; I angrily yelled “That is wrong!!!!”  Marshall Rosenberg, the Non-Violent Communications guru, would have said that this was a tragic expression of my unmet needs. I agree.

Interestingly, that very morning I had written on Chrystal Kubis’s Facebook page Anne Hartley’s quote.  The Universe is amazing because it always provides us with the opportunity to grow; sometimes the same opportunity again, and again until we learn the lesson.

As I replayed the situation in my head, I realized that when the contractor said that he didn’t think I had the right information, I thought, “he doesn’t believe that I know what I am doing.”  I then said defensively that I had worked 8 hours on researching this information and I am right.  At that moment I was feeling angry and resentful.  Upon further analysis, I began to realize that I was angry and resentful because my needs for trust and respect were not being met. 

Remembering my Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life, I decided that the following phrasing would have better represented who I wanted to be: “Mr. General Contractor, when I work with people I have a need for mutual respect and trust.  When you dismiss my information because you believe it to be inaccurate, I become angry and resentful.  Would you be willing to listen while I explain the differences between the two lists?” 

When you are learning a new language you don’t always get the words right.  And when you are in the heat of a situation, you don’t always respond the way you would want.  In this case, I did not demonstrate who I wanted to be.  In that moment I didn’t take a breath, didn’t allow myself the space I needed, and didn’t connect with my feelings and needs. This experience did, however, provide me the opportunity to learn.

Have you had a conversation lately that didn’t go the way you wanted it to?  Have you had an opportunity to demonstrate who you wanted to be, and didn’t?  An understanding of what you are feeling, and what needs of yours are not being met will help clarify what was going on for you in the moment.